Sorted Magazine

Tag: Beyond the Banter

  • From the archive: Comparing and competing

    Sometimes others inspire and motivate us to be better. They don’t necessarily know us and we don’t know them. They speak into our lives without any real depth of knowing. At other times we can be inspired by people who do know us and whom we know fairly well.

    As I think about the people who’ve been an inspiration to me, I’m aware that I’ve sometimes made a judgement about them or felt envious of their achievements or wisdom. Sometimes it’s really difficult to be content with who you are and not make that comparison with others. There’s a fine line between being inspired by somebody and feeling envious of all that they seem to be. Many of us know that it’s easy to become discouraged and disillusioned when you compare yourself to others.

    It’s totally different when someone who you know well, and who really knows you, speaks wisdom into your life. There can be inspiration or challenge without triggering comparison. You know that they are genuine and have your best interest at heart. It’s great when there is that depth of knowing between people and we don’t have to pretend to be somebody that we’re not.

    Over the last fourteen years I’ve been involved in running a couple of small groups for blokes. These are a terrific source of inspiration and encouragement. Over time we have developed friendship, trust and security and can now be more open with each other and share how life really is, rather than glossing over things that we struggle with. I encourage you to choose a couple of Wing Men; trusted friends who will support and encourage you. Having friends who don’t judge you, are willing to meet regularly, willing to get beyond the banter to a place of honesty and authenticity are a treasure beyond price.

    Main photo credit: Stephan Seeber via Unsplash

  • Beyond the Banter: The jigsaw puzzle of my life

    Beyond the Banter: The jigsaw puzzle of my life

    Jigsaw puzzles were very popular when I was a youngster. That interest was re-kindled when my own children came along. Some adults still enjoy the therapeutic pastime and considerable challenge of completing a one thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. I’m not a jigsaw puzzle enthusiast, but I do know that there are a couple of things which should happen before any attempt to assemble all the pieces:

    1. Carefully study the picture on the box so you know where you’re heading with it.

    2. If possible, check that there are no pieces missing.

    Sometimes life is like a jigsaw puzzle. We can’t see the picture which is emerging. It appears random and confusing. When I was 16, I’d only really just got going on assembling the jigsaw puzzle of my life when my dad died. It was like someone had kicked over the table which I was doing the jigsaw puzzle on, and all the pieces went everywhere. Not only that, it was like the box had been thrown away too. So I had no picture to follow, no clue how things fitted together, and no idea what to do with my life. I wasn’t doing well at school, I was beginning to go down a wrong road. It was a defining moment in my life.

    Into that void, into that chaos, into that sense of abandonment, isolation and hopelessness came the gospel message, challenging me to give my life to God. The only way was to place all the pieces of my life before God and trust Him to complete the jigsaw puzzle. He filled in the missing pieces to bring wholeness, and gradually make the picture complete.

    Psalm 18:20-24 (MSG) says: God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

    Main Photo Credit: Ross Sneddon via Unsplash

  • Beyond the Banter: Putting down deep roots

    Beyond the Banter: Putting down deep roots

    Gardening experts advise that when planting a young tree a stake should be fixed at an angle which points in the direction of the prevailing wind. They also advise that the stake should be removed after a couple of years to allow the tree to develop deeper roots as it bends in the wind. Apparently part of the design of the tree is to bend and flex under pressure, because that action is what produces deeper and stronger roots. The roots grow deeper on the side facing the direction the wind is coming from.

    I was out walking recently and came across an uprooted tree in woodland not far from where I live. This was a huge, mature tree, surrounded by many other trees, and it had been around for a long time, maybe since the woodland was planted in the early 1900’s. The woodland and adjacent parkland was a gesture from the landowners to the people of the local mining and industrial community to provide some respite from the dust and grime of the coal mining industry which was so prevalent in this part of the north west.

    Despite its huge size and weight, and it not being identified as a tree at risk or attacked by disease, it had been blown over and lay like a spent matchstick. The ‘root plate’, as they call it, was very thin. The roots went sideways more than downwards. Perhaps the roots were shallow because the tree was surrounded by other trees so it hadn’t had to withstand the full force of the wind. In recent storms many big trees were blown over because the wind came from a different direction to the norm, making it easier to dislodge any shallow roots.

    I came across another angle on this recently when I spotted a tree clinging for all it’s worth to a cliff edge (see main photo). The ground below half of it had been washed away by coastal erosion, exposing the root system. It was a smaller tree standing on it’s own, but had developed deeper roots. For now, it was standing firm.

    I’m sure you can see some parallels here with our spiritual lives. No matter how strong we may look on the outside, if our roots don’t go deep we can be vulnerable to being blown over in the storms and strong winds of life.

    Trees are fairly resilient on the whole and will bend in the wind. You may have heard trees creaking sometimes. We too may creak and sway a bit in the storms but still stay standing. We are designed to withstand a certain amount of pressure, but if we are constantly battered and have only shallow roots, there may come a time when we fall over when something comes at us from a direction we weren’t expecting.

    We can seem strong when surrounded and protected by others. But we may need to leave the security and relative shelter provided by others and feel the full force of the prevailing wind. Our resilience and faith will grow stronger under pressure.

    The picture of a small tree suffering from coastal erosion suggested to me that there are no guarantees in life. Even if we have put down strong roots there are some things we have no control over. Here are a couple of snippets of ancient wisdom to consider:

    You can’t find firm footing in a swamp, but life rooted in God stands firm. Proverbs 12:3 (New Living Translation)

    Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Jeremiah 17:7-8 (New Living Translation)

    Main Photo Credit: Courtesy of Bob Fraser

  • Beyond the Banter: Myths and Legends

    Beyond the Banter: Myths and Legends

    A friend invited me to go with him to see one of the Hobbit films. Lots of us men love myths, legends, and stories of adventure. Especially epic stories of adventure, where there’s a struggle going on between good and evil, darkness and light. They hold a strange fascination for many of us.

    We duly met at the cinema only to find that the schedule had been changed and it was not on that afternoon. It wasn’t on anywhere else that afternoon. His Plan B suggestion was to go ten-pin bowling. Now I’ve only played occasionally since school days and probably the last time I went was ten years previously. So I was a little rusty to say the least. However, amongst the many rounds where I didn’t get a strike at all, I had one when I got four strikes in a row! I knew three in a row and you were a turkey, but never before had I heard of anyone getting four. I’d never even had three. So I was unprepared for the declaration that came up on the screen that I was a four-bagger. To me at least it was a story of epic proportions, albeit a short one. Me – a four-bagger!

    All of this made me think about whether there is some sort of epic struggle going on in our lives and whether we have a battle on our hands against an unseen enemy who is determined to sideline us and cause us to lose heart. Is the story of our individual lives set within a much bigger epic story, which is still unfolding? Many of us have some consciousness of good and evil. We’re well aware of the many cruel things that happen to innocent people, and of the need for justice and truth. Many of us can see that some things seem more associated with darkness than light. Yet we all have a strange fascination with the darkness, and can easily get drawn into it if we are not careful. Hidden dangers lurk there. We go through a door out of curiosity and before you know it the door slams behind us and there’s no handle on the inside. We have no alternative but to go further and risk getting totally lost in unfamiliar surroundings. We may never find our way back.

    For the Christian believer, the good news is that we don’t have to go it alone. We can draw on God’s help when the darkness seems more attractive than the light; when hiding in a dark cave seems better than facing the light of reality; when dwelling on our failures seems easier than getting up again and moving forward. We can draw on the courage and strength He provides to reduce the frequency with which we lose heart and feel like giving up. We can listen to His affirmation and encouragement, and replace our lethargy and isolation with a greater desire to be part of an epic story where good triumphs over evil, where love wins in the end.

    Main Photo Credit: Artem Sapegin via Unsplash

  • Beyond the banter: Envy can eat you up

    Beyond the banter: Envy can eat you up

    Gordon is a good friend. We have spent some fun times together, but he is totally locked into ‘stuff’. He’s a busy person and he’s gadget mad and considers it a priority to have the latest versions. He has a good job and can afford to buy these things. I suppose when I was earning more money I was a bit more carefree, but I sometimes wonder whether for him it is an addiction. I’m probably about five years behind when it comes to the latest technology, but as we talked it became clear that he would find it very difficult to go back even a couple of years to what then seemed like a must-have piece of equipment. In his eyes going backwards represents a failure of some sort, and his fairly forceful insistence that I should upgrade my stuff was actually quite hurtful.

    I’ve always wanted to be a good provider. I feel the weight of that responsibility. I hope I never lose that sense. But I sometimes feel self-conscious that my car is getting on a bit. Why should I? It runs perfectly well. Yet I feel slightly off the pace of other men whom I perceive to be more successful than me. Do you ever feel this kind of pressure?

    Financial difficulties can leave you with feelings of uselessness and under-achievement. The trouble is we’ve all come to expect a certain standard of living. Some young couples expect to start out in life where their parents ended up after a lifetime of work. It was all made worse by the ‘buy now, pay later’ idea. When I was a young man there was a cultural shift from saving up until you could afford something, to buying it now on credit. After all, why pay more for it a year down the line if you could get it cheaper now, even allowing for paying some interest?

    Men can feel an unspoken pressure to compete with one another. I know one guy who doesn’t watch adverts on television because he doesn’t want to know what the latest gadget is. He doesn’t want that pressure on top of everything else he has to deal with. Sadly, advertisers find ever more cunning ways of peddling their wares especially through the internet. It’s so annoying when adverts pop up uninvited. It’s almost impossible to avoid.

    It takes will power to swim against this tide, to channel some of that drive to be a good provider into holding back on what we want and being happy with what we have. Let’s be strong enough to avoid the tendency to compare ourselves with others. Let’s not overstretch our resources just to keep up appearances.

    It’s healthy to be content, but envy can eat you up. Proverbs 14:30 CEV.

    Main photo credit: Rupixen via Unsplash

  • Beyond the banter: A man and his map

    Beyond the banter: A man and his map

    I like to think I know the way to somewhere. Even when I don’t know, I like to pretend that I do. And dare I admit that I’m reluctant to take advice on directions?There is a solution to this quandary. A map!

    Wherever I go on holiday I feel the need to have a map. I think it’s to do with being secure, getting my bearings, establishing where I am. Perhaps it’s an ancient call from the hunter-protector within, to ensure that the way ahead avoids points of potential ambush while passing through places of peaceful refuge. I have a whole box full of maps from a lifetime of going places.

    Maps are great! They can help you identify remote beaches, rugged coastlines and off-shore islands. Maps are really useful for working out the quickest route to anywhere from somewhere. You can trace the meanderings of rivers, streams and footpaths. You can pinpoint post offices and other timeless features. Most importantly, you can find your way when you are lost.

    These days, many of us make use of digital maps and Satnav. But as clever as these things are to get you from A to B, a man with a massive concertina of a physical map in his hand is clearly an explorer, a pioneer, a master of all his eye can see.

    Until, of course, it’s foggy. Then, it’s a different story. Suddenly there’s an insecurity, an inability to intuitively know the way; a reluctance to bluff or speculate; a lostness; a longing perhaps for home and safety. A torch might be helpful but we didn’t think to bring that, and anyway, it’s not that much use in fog because there’s too much reflection. What we need at that moment is not a map or a torch, but a compass, to enable us to press on in the right direction.

    It’s a relief when the curtain of fog is raised and the sun pierces through. Everything is clearly visible. We know exactly where we are again and we can see where we’re going. No more need to guess or pretend everything’s okay. In the aftermath it’s a small story to tell in the midst of a bigger story of life’s adventure.

    For me, God’s word works a bit like a compass, helping me to find my way back home through the fog. Psalm 119:105 in The Message says: By your words I can see where I’m going. They throw a beam of light on my dark path.

    Main photo credit: Abillion Tefccu via Unsplash

  • Beyond the Banter: Regrets … I’ve had a few

    Beyond the Banter: Regrets … I’ve had a few

    I’ve been having conversations with prisoners for many years; men who’ve gone off the rails and found themselves shut away from society and denied access to all that we might take for granted. Many of them can identify some reasons why they got caught up in a life of crime. Many make excuses for their behaviour and seek to justify their actions. Some, from a more professional background, may classify themselves differently to hardened criminals. They are nevertheless, ashamed of where they are now, given their background and upbringing.

    All these men have had to come to terms with what has happened and the consequences of their actions. For some, the experience of prison is enough to make them vow to never return. Others are stuck in a revolving door and find it hard to break entrenched patterns of behaviour or addiction, and, sooner or later, they wind up back inside. Many of them could have been spared from going off the rails if only there had been some accountability, some example to follow, someone to lead the way, or some positive influence in their lives.

    Conversations with all these men (from widely differing backgrounds and faith viewpoints) have given me an insight into how easy it is to get on a downward spiral of thinking and behaviour, and end up lost. This applies equally whether we are ‘inside’ or ‘outside’. Few of us can say we haven’t regretted something we did or said. Many of us have had moments of madness when we did something totally out of character, but which had dire consequences. Some of us have made poor choices or had spectacular public failures. None of us could claim to be immune or unaffected by life’s twists and turns.

    Like the rails of a train track, joy and pain run side by side. I’ve come to believe that experiences in life, whether good or bad, can teach us something. It is possible to find hope in the darkest of seasons, restoration after the greatest failure and wholeness beyond every heartache.

    Main photo credit: Matthew Ansley via Unsplash