I’m pleased to announce that Ali Hull has agreed to join the Sorted Digital (SD) talent pool. It’s a real privilege for me to welcome someone of Ali’s calibre into the SD fold. She brings a wealth of publishing experience and is an accomplished journalist and professional editor of some note. Ali has worked for the Keswick Convention, Spring Harvest, Authentic Media, Lion Hudson, and the Jubilee campaign. She has edited various publications, including Ethos magazine, the Christian Democrat, and Preach magazine.
Ali is very familiar with the ethos and inner workings of Sorted Magazine having been deputy editor of the print magazine from 2019 to 2021. Ali explained: “I became Sorted’s Book Editor in 2017, and given the remit to review whatever I thought would be of interest to me and the readers. I was as happy as an alcoholic with a wine column and plenty of free samples, and then Steve Legg followed that up by asking me to join the team as sub-editor in 2019.
Ali was involved with Sorted between 2017 and 2021
“Sorted was a great publication to work on: Steve was open to anything that interested men and spread the gospel at the same time, which gave me great freedom. The magazine appealed to those who were interested in hairy-chested pursuits, and we would always have an account of an adventure, maybe trekking across Africa or sailing the seven seas. Sportsmen would be interviewed about their time on and off the pitch, and famous actors would talk about their lives on and off set.
“But we also looked at more difficult issues: racism in the Metropolitan police and the pressures being put on the force generally. We interviewed the less famous as well, and leavened the serious stuff with reviews of cars, and adverts for silly shirts, the Steve Legg trademark. For me, the most memorable interview I ever did was in the middle of the first Covid lockdown, when I talked to mountaineer Richard Tiplady about his fall, in March 2020, when the debris of an earlier avalanche stopped his 800-foot slide down Pillar, in the Lake District, and stopped him going over a precipice. Steve’s insistence on good design and great photos meant this account, like everything else, was properly presented and illustrated.
“Steve was also meticulous about the little things – grammar and punctuation mattered to him, there was never a ‘That’ll do’ attitude. And he always paid me as soon as I sent an invoice – he believed in being trustworthy in small as well as large things.”
The more I’ve got to know Ali, it’s become apparent that her connections and knowledge of the world of publishing are quite extensive. Her understanding about the vast amount of work involved in producing and publishing a magazine, online or otherwise, is well grounded in the real world. I’ve really valued those moments when I’ve wobbled a bit, turned to her for editorial advice, and she has so generously shared her no nonsense wisdom and experience with great kindness and compassion. It’s been empowering for me to engage with another professional who understands the value of the Sorted vision.
Initially Ali will review books for Sorted Digital. However, we are hatching plans for her to conduct interviews and write feature articles, as she has done this for Sorted with considerable flare in the past!
In the ‘now’ culture, we often expect quick results. But real change, that lasts, takes time.
In my last job, I was praying about and preparing what I might say at a parliamentary launch, and the phrase, “They came expecting fireworks” dropped into my mind. It seemed appropriate for an event happening in the Houses of Parliament on the 5th of November! I resisted the temptation to arrive in a Guy Fawkes costume.
It’s in the nature of a launch – with a new website with thousands of hits, a storm of positive Twitter messages and huge amounts of enthusiasm (140 people squeezed into a room designed for half that) – to expect some fireworks and glitz. Energy was high.
So I pointed out that …
In first-century Palestine, they also came looking for fireworks. An oppressed people were looking for liberation and they wanted it now. They were hoping for a mighty explosion of energy and light to restore their status as God’s chosen people, back in charge of their own destiny. Some were looking for a military extravaganza. And it looked like this carpenter of Nazareth might just light the touchpaper.
They wanted fireworks, but what they got was a bloke talking about a mustard seed; a story about something practically invisible. He said, “This isn’t necessarily going to be fast. This might be slow.” He said, “This isn’t going to start huge; it’s going to start infinitesimally small.”
The Japanese theologian Kosuke Koyama wrote a book about this kingdom called Three Mile an Hour God. Our God seems to move slowly. For him ends never justify means. For him it is about people, and he cares as much about the journey as the destination. You could say that the ‘how’ is as important as the ‘what’. He wants people to get to know him, as well as for his ways to shape the structures of our world. That is why, in politics especially, we must be in it for the long haul ~ because we care about people, not just ideas.
We must not get sucked into the instant culture of the 21st century, where so much is about overnight sensations and the ‘next big thing’. We must be prepared to do the hard yards of building relationships. Change in political thinking and practice is rarely fast, but we must believe that the mustard seed will produce fruit. There is also something of sacrifice and death about that seed. We will not necessarily be lauded for what we do, but we can still prepare the ground.
Digital Editor’s Note: It is with great delight that I welcome Louise Jane, the CEO of the prestigious Christlit Book Awards as a Sorted Magazine Guest Writer. My little book Notes from the North End of Nowhere was shortlisted for the Creative Future Writers’ Award, it has also won a Christlit Book Award and The Christlit Book of The Year 2024 Award. Louise has very kindly written this lovely endorsement. It’s very humbling to see my work standing alongside authors I admire, such as Joyce Meyer and Louie Giglio.
Louise writes: Val Fraser’s Notes from the North End of Nowhere is a brilliant concept for a book that feels refreshingly original. I honestly didn’t know what to expect when I picked it up, but I found myself laughing out loud more than I ever have with any other book!
The warmth and familiarity of the narrative enveloped me, making it the ideal companion for a laid-back weekend spent on the couch with a hot brew in hand. It’s the type of book that draws you in so completely that you lose all sense of time and space. As I read, I often found myself wishing I could sit down with the author to discuss her intriguing and inventive thoughts. Her unfiltered, candid writing style makes the reading experience feel so intimate and engaging.
With a remarkable ability to weave beautiful metaphors, Fraser showcases a talent for imaginative and thought-provoking writing. While I was engaged with the text, I also found myself longing for the magnificent northern landscapes, like those in Wales and the Lake District, as each description stirred a deep appreciation for the beauty of our planet.
One part that particularly stood out to me was the brilliantly written Notes on Noticing, which made me chuckle more than a few times. Val cleverly weaves together religious themes and humour, using sheep as a metaphor to demonstrate how Christianity can be a force for good, all while keeping that classic Northern wit. I couldn’t resist sharing some quotes with my Northerner pals, who enjoyed the humour just as much as I did. Additionally, the author’s references to TV shows like The Repair Shop and Gardeners’ World not only piqued my interest in watching them but also highlighted her ability to draw connections between everyday life and faith.
Altogether, this unique and brilliant book is a must-read! And I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone seeking a delightful literary experience.
Research carried out by www.hampers.com revealed that 61% of working adults consider at least one co-worker as a close friend. These investigations were carried out as part of an ongoing study into happiness in the workplace, following on from a study in September 2020.
The study initially found that 90% of respondents are close enough to at least one of their co-workers to consider them a friend (up from 87% in 2020). What’s more, three fifths went as far as saying they’d class at least one co-worker as a close friend, if not one of their best friends (61%), up from 52% in 2020. According to this study the top five reasons colleagues were thought of as close friends are:
1. We tell each other everything: 68%
2. We’ve got a lot of shared experiences: 63%
3. I enjoy spending time with them outside of work: 50%
4. We’re always talking on the phone (texting or calling): 49%
5. I feel they truly care about me: 37%
Over three quarters of those who stated they spend time together outside of work said they have introduced their work place best friend to their partner, family or other close friends (76%). Almost all respondents (95%) stated that getting on well with their colleagues and having friends (close or not) helps contribute to their overall happiness in the workplace. In fact, workplace friendships are considered one of the key factors why UK adults would be hesitant to leave the company and get a job elsewhere (71%).
Patrick Gore, Managing Director of www.hampers.com said: “The findings of this study were incredibly interesting, largely because we have data from just two years ago to compare it to. More UK adults than two years ago have someone they consider a friend, if not a close friend, in the workplace and this really can make the world of difference. There have been a lot of changes over the last few years as a result of the covid pandemic, with people made to work from home during the numerous lockdowns and feeling isolated as a result. It’s no wonder people are yearning for human interaction, even those who may still be working in a hybrid capacity. If we all took one thing away from the pandemic, it’s that relationships are incredibly important for our happiness and mental health.”
Digital Editor’s Note: I’m delighted to re-discover and re-publish this book extract from our Guest Writer, Katy Canty. As of May 27th 2022, the UK prison population was 80,200. As of March 2019, the total number of employed prison chaplains was 474. Katy Canty spent many years working as a prison chaplain. In the recently-published Heartbreak, Hope and Holy Moments she shares some of her experiences and insights, to try to help others understand more fully what prison is really like, and who prisoners really are.
Katy writes: We’ve all seen prison dramas, and prison comedies, but what is life inside really like? Much grittier and more desolate than we could imagine. Prison chaplains, of many faiths, are there to offer support to all, from shoplifters to killers.
Care and Separation Unit (CSU) used to be called ‘Segregation’ or ‘the Block’, but its name was changed to give it a more therapeutic overtone. At the same time, the place itself was repainted from grey to brighter colours, and prisoners’ works of art were displayed, which gave it the appearance of a slightly deserted gallery. Prisoners who end up being sent here will be those who have infringed prison rules, such as being involved in fights or assaults, being found in possession of drugs or phones or generally exhibiting behaviour that is too volatile or unpredictable to be sustained on a regular Unit. Increasingly we are seeing prisoners who have taken Spice (Mamba) and who are therefore often violent and unpredictable. Every day there are adjudications and prisoners are transferred back to normal locations when they have served their allotted time of separation. However, some men do remain in CSU for a while, often awaiting transfer to another prison.
Our daily rounds are of a routine nature, and we are aware that many of the men do not wish to engage in long or deep conversations with a Chaplain, especially one they see day after day! But our presence is understood and I remember one man completely humbling me when he met me on a Unit one day saying, ‘You came to visit me when I was in Seg.’ I felt dreadful as I had no recollection of him and had probably only asked if he was ‘OK’, and yet the presence of a caring face must have made such an impression on him. And the fact that we visit them means that we are there if they need us; sometimes a man would ask me to bless him or, more often to come and light a candle with him on an anniversary, since it would be difficult for them to come over to the chapel as they are on restricted conditions.
Probably the most memorable visit was when I was asked to light a candle with a very unstable and disturbed man. In fact, he was considered so dangerous that he was a ‘five-man unlock’ – something I have never seen before or since. Some of the men can have their doors opened by a single officer or most when two officers are present. If someone is particularly difficult, three men are required, but five men obviously indicated a very violent man. In addition to that, these officers were dressed in riot gear in case the man ‘kicked off’ and they had to come and rescue me. I remember being extremely nervous as I waited to go in to the cell, and with the usual sense that of myself I had nothing to give. However, when I entered the cell the prisoner was very polite and respectful, and we lit the candle and I prayed with him. It was an odd situation as I realised I stood as a woman with him alone while outside there were five hefty men poised to defend! I have to admit I did not prolong the encounter and escaped as soon as I could!
Because men in CSU have broken prison rules, they are often denied privileges. If their behaviour is very poor they lose everything including their personal possessions for the time they are there. However, they are allowed to have a Bible (or Qur’an) if they require one, and we are also allowed to give them faith literature. In actual fact, many of the prisoners asked for Bibles whilst they were in CSU. There were probably many and varied reasons for this. The small Testaments provided by the Gideons were just the right size to act as Rizla papers for their ’smokes’. If they had no tobacco because they had lost their right to buy it, they might smoke their tea bags! We only hoped that maybe some of them might get to read the ‘holy’ Rizla paper as they rolled it! Many lads did read the Bible whilst in CSU as it was something to do. They also devoured Christian books that we gave to them, stories of other men who had got it all wrong, been to prison and found God and a new way of life.
It was to CSU that they brought Daniel. He was in a terrible state, deeply distressed and suicidal. He had taken a life, and felt so guilty and remorseful that he felt that his own life was not worth living. He had a chequered background, had struggled with education and had been bullied all his life. Now he had got into trouble in prison, hence his arrival in CSU. He was so profoundly suicidal that they took the ultimate step of putting him in ‘strips’ (a gown that is made of very tough fabric so that it cannot be torn into ligatures). He was put into the special cell which contains no fixtures or fittings to which ligatures could be attached. In essence, it contains a low-level concrete block and nothing else. Through his tears, Daniel cried that prison officers had taken away his rosary beads and that he needed them to sleep at night. The officers had removed them because the string of beads might also be used as a ligature. What I did bring him was a small card with a picture of the cross on it which we give to prisoners when they visit chapel for a bereavement. It had a bright blue background and Daniel attached it to the wall, possibly with toothpaste. In that dark grey cell, it was the only thing there and it seemed to me that it almost ‘glowed’ on the wall. I prayed with him and carried on praying that he would not attempt to take his own life. Years later, he told me that at the time he had had razor blades on him, but that after our prayer he had not used them and the picture ‘got him through the night’. He has gone from strength to strength with therapeutic help.
The Healthcare Unit in prison contains twelve beds and is usually fully occupied. Here we tend to those who are ill physically and mentally. The pressure on accommodation here is enormous. Those who are physically ill do not remain here long, unless they are terminally ill or in the last stages. Many in the Unit are those with acute mental health issues. Ideally, they would not remain here long either, but the sad fact is that there is a massive waiting time to get anyone into more suitable outside institutions. And so we tend to those who are sick in so many different ways, and Chaplains make a daily visit to speak to each of these men.
We see some amazingly bad injuries that have often occurred before the men come into prison. Bones are broken when unsuccessful burglars really do fall off drainpipes! I remember one lad who told me he was running away from the police and jumped into what he thought was a canal to escape from them, but unfortunately it turned out to be the railway track and he had completely shattered most of his leg bones.
My first glimpse of Peter was a terrible sight. It was his first time in prison, and he was devastated at having committed a crime. He had decided to kill himself with a gun and had aimed it at his face. He arrived in prison with his jaw blown apart under his ear and in a state of deep shock. I felt great sympathy for him and said that I would ring his wife to reassure her that he was OK, Daniel was now very concerned about how she would be coping. Peter went through extensive bone surgery, with grafts being taken from his leg, and I often had a chat with him as he remained in Healthcare for months. I rejoiced with him when at last he was able relocate into a normal Unit when his treatment was complete. A year or so later, he was pleased to tell me that he was imminently being released and he just wanted to say thank you to me because I had rung his wife when he first arrived in prison. Again, this was something that had not really remained in my memory, but was another example of a fleeting action which meant so much to a prisoner.
Another badly fractured jaw belonged to a very sad man called Andrew. He had been in prison before and we had had a lot to do with him. First time round, he told us he was a Roman Catholic by background, and he began to attend Mass at the chapel. So faithful was he, that eventually he was baptised in prison by the priest so that he could receive Mass. He also came to our Bible study group and we spent time having conversations with him. He talked about his broken relationship with his girlfriend and the children that he loved so deeply. He appeared to want to make something of his life, hence his commitment to chapel, and he told me that he had tried to take his life on more than one occasion on the outside, but each time it had failed. I remember that he told me he tried to hang himself from a tree but the branch snapped. We thought he would make something of himself as he left prison but, in a few months’ time, he was back.
When I saw him I was absolutely shocked. Like Peter, Andrew’s jaw was round the side of his ear, and his face was black and blue. It transpired that he had been in a fight, and his opponent had actually stamped on his face. His physical injuries were treated and his body recovered fairly speedily, but it seemed that his inner self had given up the fight. He stopped coming to chapel and we saw little of him. When we did speak to him, he was always ready to talk, mainly about his children, but a few months after he left prison he at last succeeded in what he had set out to do, he hanged himself to escape from all his inner turmoil and pain. I still have a poem that he wrote for the chapel.
The other aspect of Healthcare is that here we visit prisoners who are terminally ill and may be dying. I think of Jack, a young lad in his twenties, who was dying of a brain tumour. As far as I recall, he had no friends or family, and he never caused any problems, he was always quiet and respectful. As his condition deteriorated, he became almost blind and staff had to put a large sign on his door so he could make out which was his cell. He went downhill quite fast but was cared for so compassionately by the Healthcare staff. When he died, we had a memorial service for him in the chapel and the staff who had cared for him in Healthcare came and wept; touched at the sadness of the loss of such a young life, whatever his offence.
With an aging population, in prison we are seeing more and more elderly men who will die while they are with us. Although his background was Roman Catholic, Frank preferred to attend Church of England services, and was a regular chapel attender. He was a historic sex offender and had a fairly lengthy sentence. He also came to the Discovery Group that I held on his Vulnerable Prisoner Unit. For a long time, he said very little but seemed to be growing in faith and was reading his Bible and praying. In the group, we study different courses and had used the Alpha course.
As Frank was in prison for so long, he was still there when I went to repeat Alpha. One evening at the end of the session he quietly shared with the group that on the previous run-through of the course he had prayed the prayer that Nicky Gumbel spoke on the video, and he felt he could ‘let go’ of his past and had found ‘real peace within’. This was borne out by his attitude to life and other prisoners, by whom he was loved and respected. His health gradually faded and he came to Healthcare. I was able to pray with him and he passed away peacefully. He had a Catholic funeral on the outside. We had a memorial service inside, which was well attended by his fellow prisoners, and the accolades he received from them were very touching. Undoubtedly, his quiet presence and kindness had spoken to many of them and he had found peace deep within, despite his surroundings.
The best gift you could give yourself, your colleagues, and your family is the gift of completion. And it’s free!
Completion is the antidote to that feeling of being on a never-ending treadmill in life. We’re always rushing into the next thing without stopping to review what we learned and accomplished and how we feel about the past. We end up doing the next thing on top of all the incompletions, hastily rushing into the next planning sessions and big family decisions from a cluttered place.
This is crazy because we have all these emotions about things that didn’t go so well and perhaps even regret, but never discuss, take responsibility for, learn from, and let go. Conversely there’s things we’ve accomplished but haven’t celebrated. How many of my clients have had massive achievements and unless I remind them, they never celebrate? They’d just go on to the next thing as if their accomplishments are normal and not worth mentioning.
We cannot go on to what’s next in a clear and creative space when we’re dragging this ball and chain of the past around. Big organisations do this very badly. The most sophisticated have processes for lessons learned but they don’t go into how their people feel – proud, sad, angry?
There are four questions comprising completion:
What have I accomplished?
What do regret?
What did I not do I said I would?
What have I learned?
We need to say this in dialogue with other humans because we can’t think it. It only lives when the words are coming out of our mouths into someone’s listening. Saying it helps you let go.
So, what did I accomplish so far this year? It’s not about the things I did, all my activities, like 42 clients or 60 meetings or whatever. That’s not an accomplishment. For me my accomplishments are what my clients achieved out of the work we did together. Some took their businesses to new heights. Others made huge changes to their working and personal lives. For me those are huge accomplishments. I’m very proud of these guys and it’s good to write it down to savour.
Doing this exercise in conversation with my partner leaves me free of regret, and full of appreciation and gratitude. Please give yourself the gift of completion. You’ll have a clear space to create from!
Sometimes others inspire and motivate us to be better. They don’t necessarily know us and we don’t know them. They speak into our lives without any real depth of knowing. At other times we can be inspired by people who do know us and whom we know fairly well.
As I think about the people who’ve been an inspiration to me, I’m aware that I’ve sometimes made a judgement about them or felt envious of their achievements or wisdom. Sometimes it’s really difficult to be content with who you are and not make that comparison with others. There’s a fine line between being inspired by somebody and feeling envious of all that they seem to be. Many of us know that it’s easy to become discouraged and disillusioned when you compare yourself to others.
It’s totally different when someone who you know well, and who really knows you, speaks wisdom into your life. There can be inspiration or challenge without triggering comparison. You know that they are genuine and have your best interest at heart. It’s great when there is that depth of knowing between people and we don’t have to pretend to be somebody that we’re not.
Over the last fourteen years I’ve been involved in running a couple of small groups for blokes. These are a terrific source of inspiration and encouragement. Over time we have developed friendship, trust and security and can now be more open with each other and share how life really is, rather than glossing over things that we struggle with. I encourage you to choose a couple of Wing Men; trusted friends who will support and encourage you. Having friends who don’t judge you, are willing to meet regularly, willing to get beyond the banter to a place of honesty and authenticity are a treasure beyond price.
By Tony Uddin – Pastor of Tower Hamlets Community Church
I was raised on fairly rough council estate in South London. My dad was a Bangladeshi Muslim and for most of her life my mum didn’t really have a meaningful faith of any kind. Very occasionally my three brothers and I would go with dad to the mosque, but mainly my parents left us to work out our faith for ourselves.
One day, an invitation was extended to my family through my brother. He was invited to a Crusaders boys’ bible study and years later at six or seven I started going along with him. That one unusual invite to a young boy with a Muslim parent to come to a Christian bible study led to him, and others in the family including me, coming to faith. This small invitation became a defining moment in my life and has subsequently shaped my ministry in Tower Hamlets.
From that invitation, my brother and then the rest of us started going to more Crusaders events and then to yearly Crusader camps. These events were like holidays to us, it was the only time we’d go out of London at all in the year and we were never excluded if we didn’t have the money to go. While we would be told Bible stories, we would also play sports and visit other places. They gave us opportunities that we ordinarily wouldn’t have access to.
It wasn’t until I was 10 that I made the personal choice to follow Jesus. We had a lot of fun on these camps, but they didn’t hide the gospel or water it down. It was always clear and was communicated in a way we could understand, without jargon or vagueness. The events were a constant for me, I had been attending Crusaders weekly for years at that point, but the message, the invites and the influence never wavered. That year, a missionary from London City Mission called Bill Dean spoke, and that’s when the implications of the gospel fully clicked for me for the first time. Now, years later I pastor a church myself.
Having the consistent support of a community after I responded to the gospel helped me grasp how it would shape my life. I saw what Christian service looked like, I witnessed Christian values first hand. The leaders were really important to my growth and were always reliable. Martin, my youth leader, was such a positive influence although he had such a different background from me. We came from different worlds; he was from a middle-class family and attended private school, yet he was committed to youth work in our community.
Having these role models gave me a window into a new world and helped to change me. Notably with my education, I was able to see what was possible and be encouraged by my peers and leaders. It broadened my horizons and allowed me to have greater aspirations.
There was this expectation from leaders that I would go on to lead. They saw a ‘calling’ in me and didn’t disregard or underestimate me because of my background. My ministry at Tower Hamlets Community Church (THCC) has been shaped by the impact an invitation had on my life. I never had to change who I was. I want to lead a church that is being shaped by and shaping the community in the East End where we are placed. Too often, churches simply don’t do well at raising leaders from working class backgrounds. For us at THCC its really important that the kind of leaders that we raise are grounded in and shaped by our local community.
It’s amazing to see churches across the UK want to be more invitational and welcoming. But we have to remember that for a true invitation to be meaningful to our communities, we cannot then exclude them from certain positions or opportunities because of our bias. The Church doesn’t always notice, but those being invited and then excluded definitely do. Our invitation doesn’t stop once they’re through the door or regularly attending. We need to ask ourselves: “if people from our communities come into our church, will they see people like them in visible, vocal at the front positions?” They need to be given an opportunity to lead, to step into their calling regardless of class, background, or race.
When I was a teenager a church plant moved to our estate but although they were lovely people, they weren’t interested in truly engaging and learning from the local community. They wanted to grow a church and assumed that what had worked in leafy Surrey would work on our urban estate. There wasn’t really a sense that they came as learners, more as saviours. Sadly, the Church ended up very short lived.
Our churches and leaders must look more like the communities we’re based in. That’s how we take the shape of our communities. Very often, it’s too easy to mistake a middle-class civility for Christian maturity and therefore anyone who lacks the middle-class upbringing is disqualified. To reach new people and reach into marginalised communities, we need to embrace the DNA of our communities.
I’m so glad that those who invited me understood the importance of reaching families like mine; they didn’t always understand our culture or ‘get’ what our lives were like, but they did embrace us, include us, and ultimately trained and supported us to step into our calling. Most importantly, they didn’t dumb down the Gospel for us. Let’s lean into intentionally reaching the communities around us. A good challenge for us on a Sunday is to look around our church and rather than celebrate who is in the room, think about which parts of our community are not there? Let’s ask ourselves why they are not there and what can we do to change that?
Editor’s Note: I’m delighted to welcome Tony Horsfall as a Guest Writer here at Sorted Magazine. Tony is an experienced writer, retreat leader and all round good egg! He has a vastexperience of ministry overseas and in a local church in the north of England. He is the author of several really helpful books, Including Rhythms of Grace, Spiritual growth in a Time of Change, and Working from a place of rest.
Tony writes: Mid-life is the transition from the first half of life to the second half. This transition normally occurs somewhere between the ages of 40 and 60, and may last anything from a few years to a decade.
It does not have to be a crisis, but it can be; for most it is a gradual change but with periods of more intense challenge. Navigated well it can lead to the most satisfying and fruitful period of our lives when we come to maturity as a person.
The passage into mid-life is characterised by some observable changes, the most common being physical, the greying of the hair and the failing of the eyesight, a more rotund appearance for some and a certain slowing down of pace on the sports field. There are inner changes too, perhaps a struggling to find meaning and purpose, and a wondering what life is all about. This psychological upheaval can be accompanied by emotional unsteadiness, a restlessness, and occasionally feelings of self-doubt or slight depression. At the same time there might be a seeking after a spiritual dimension to life, or for those who have had strong faith, a dip into doubt and a reviewing of belief. Often in this period we realise we are viewed differently by society, and are no longer ‘up and coming’ but part of the established order, which is disconcerting.
Not everyone will experience all these changes, but it is likely that you will experience some, and enough to disturb your equilibrium. Mid-life can present us with some serious challenges.
Identity – who am I without my role or the status given by my work? Am I to be defined by what I do, what I have, my performance or how others think of me? Who am I really when I stop pretending or living up to the expectations of others? This is a search for your true, authentic self, the person God made you to be in your uniqueness.
Lifestyle – often, because of the busyness of life and the constant pressure under which we live, the longing arises that there must be a better way to live. We feel that we want to step off the treadmill and adjust our pace, review our values. This reflects a natural movement from living in the external world to a desire to live more from the internal world. At this point people often discover and nurture the inner life and become more reflective.
Marriage – for those who are married the question arises, ‘Do I want to stay married or not?’ These thoughts often coincide with the celebration of a silver wedding, when children have grown up and the thought of living with the same person for another 25 years may seem daunting. The temptation to be unfaithful is very real. It can also be a time for marriage renewal, and the surprising discovery that marriage in later life can be even more satisfying than in the early years, but this requires perseverance.
Faith – a surprising number of men come to faith during the turmoil of mid-life, realising that they can’t navigate life alone and that they need help from outside themselves. Failure in life and the realisation that we are not as successful as we expected to be, can make us open to divine assistance. Those who have been de-constructing an inherited faith may well re-discover God in deeper ways, learning to live with mystery and being content not to have all the answers.
Future – an important question is: “What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Do I want to continue as I am, or is it time for a change? Do I have the courage to try something new?” Mid-life is a period when we can discover our vocation, that is what we were really made for, but this requires re-evaluation and the willingness to change, both exciting and daunting!
What will help us navigate mid-life successfully? Certainly it is vital to be open and honest and to find a trusted person with whom to share your deepest feelings and fears. This is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Find a mentor, or life coach or even a spiritual director to whom you can talk and be accountable. Talk to friends and others on a similar journey.
Be assured that what is happening to you is quite normal. Mid-life is a life passage, a movement from one phase of life to another. While the journey is unique to each of us it is by no means unusual. Many have passed this was before. Some made bad choices and ended up shipwrecked, But others made good choices, and came to discover that the second half of life can be the most fulfilling period of all.
Friendship is a profound bond that enriches our lives with love, support and laughter. A best friend is like a soulmate, someone with whom we share a deep connection and understanding. In the hopes of celebrating friendship and real life connection, the team behind social media app www.thefr.app have explored five essential traits that make a best friend truly remarkable. From being a mirror image of ourselves to having an unwavering loyalty, these traits define the essence of a best friend and strengthen the bond that withstands the test of time.
1. A two-of-a-kind bond One of the most remarkable aspects of a friendship is finding someone who feels like a reflection of ourselves. A best friend understands us on a level that seems almost uncanny. They share our values, passions and interests, making us feel understood and accepted. This similarity creates an unbreakable bond, enabling us to connect effortlessly, as if we are two halves of the same whole. With a best friend who is essentially our doppelganger, we feel a sense of belonging and companionship that is truly invaluable.
2. Loyalty and no judgement Honesty and trust form the foundation of any solid friendship. A best friend is someone with whom we can be completely transparent, knowing that our deepest secrets and vulnerabilities will be kept safe. They offer a non-judgmental space for us to confide in, providing unwavering support and understanding. A best friend not only listens attentively but also offers guidance without passing judgement. Their loyalty is unwavering and we know that they will never betray our trust by sharing our secrets with others. This level of trust creates a safe haven where we can freely express ourselves, knowing that our words and feelings are held in the highest regard.
3. A great sense of humour Laughter is a powerful elixir that binds people together. A best friend shares our sense of humour, allowing us to create endless moments of joy and hilarity. They understand our inside jokes and effortlessly contribute to the mirth. A simple glance or an inside reference is enough to ignite peals of laughter that fill the air. With a best friend who shares our humour, life becomes a continuous adventure filled with light-heartedness and laughter. They serve as a constant source of comic relief, turning even the gloomiest days into ones filled with laughter.
4. Honesty, no matter what In a world where people often sugarcoat or avoid difficult truths, a best friend stands out by their unwavering honesty. They provide us with sincere feedback and advice, even when it might be uncomfortable to hear. A best friend’s honesty is rooted in their genuine concern for our wellbeing and personal growth. They prioritise our long-term happiness over momentary discomfort, never shying away from telling us what we need to hear. With their honesty, they help us become better versions of ourselves, offering insights and perspectives that we might have otherwise overlooked.
5. Always having your back A true best friend is an unwavering pillar of support, whether we are physically present or not. They defend and protect our interests, advocating for us even in our absence. Their loyalty extends beyond the realms of convenience, demonstrating a genuine care for our wellbeing. A best friend is there to celebrate our successes and share our joys, but they also provide unwavering support during challenging times. They stand up for us when others criticise or doubt us, never hesitating to go to bat for our happiness and success. With their unwavering support, we gain the confidence to pursue our dreams and tackle any obstacle that comes our way.
Anna Lee, Founder at Fr.App, explained: “The greatest traits a best friend can possess contribute to a bond that surpasses ordinary friendships. From sharing an inexplicable connection to providing a safe space for vulnerability, a best friend enriches our lives in countless ways. Their unwavering loyalty, honesty and support create a foundation of trust that allows us to grow and thrive. Finding someone who embodies these remarkable traits is truly a blessing, and nurturing such a friendship is essential for personal well-being and happiness. So, cherish your best friend and celebrate the unique qualities that make them an invaluable part of your life.”
