The team at social network www.thefr.app, who believe in helping to cultivate real friendships, recently undertook a study of almost 2,500 UK adults aged 18 and over to determine what friendship looks like in adulthood.
While the average UK adult is in a friendship group with five others, they only consider two of those to be their best friends. Best friends are typically those who they’re very similar to, can tell anything to without fear of being judged or exposed and who have a similar sense of humour. Almost all groups have cliques within though, so it’s not as though anyone is being left out. Two in three admit they’re more likely to confide in their bestie before their partner.
It was initially revealed that the average UK adult friendship group consists of six people, not including partners who are often drafted in for social gatherings. Of those however, adults confessed they would only consider two of those to be best friends, on average.
Asked what the key differences were with a best friend as opposed to a standard friend, respondents revealed the following five traits to be the most common and most important:
- We’re basically the same person – 71%
- I can tell them anything and they’ll never judge or tell others – 68%
- We have a similar sense of humour – 54%
- They’ll always tell me the truth – 53%
- They will always have my back, even when I’m not around – 52%
Only 12% stated their best friends are the people they’ve known the longest. When asked how long it took them to realise that a friend was indeed a best friend, the majority stated they ‘clicked right away’ (49%), while a further 22% realised when the friend was there for them through a tough time.
Additionally, when asked why more of those within their friendship circle weren’t considered best friends, the top reason cited was that the others weren’t trusted to quite the same level (46%), followed by simply not seeing them as often as they do their besties (28%). It was stated by almost all however (93%) that everyone within the friendship group was in smaller cliques within that group.
Finally, when asked who they were most likely to confide in and/or turn to, two thirds (67%) admitted that in most cases they were more likely to turn to their best friend than their partner in the first instance.
Anna Lee, Founder at Fr. App, commented on the findings: “It’s good to have a mix of friends with different hobbies and interests, but it’s our best friends who shape us the most; they’re those people we can turn to for everything, whether that’s to share the load, celebrate the successes or just chit chat about general day-to-day life. Many of us would go as far as considering our best friends our soul mates; they’re just as important to us as our partners.”
Main Photo Credit: Connor Olson via Unsplash
Category: Comment & Columnists
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Research: UK adults state they have just two best friends
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Comment: Keeping the art of conversation alive
NHS Property Services (NHSPS) has been focusing on keeping the art of conversation alive and well during National Conversation Week which took place from May 22nd until May 28th.
As the initiative’s name suggests, the aim is to encourage colleagues to talk with one another because, in a world increasingly shaped by technology, human conversation can sometimes take a back seat.
Suzanne Jones, Head of Learning and Development at NHSPS, explained: “These days, it’s easy to rely on social media rather than taking time out to speak to people for real. That is why NHS Property Services encourages colleagues to try and connect through talking. Conversation isn’t simply about chatting, though; it’s as much about listening. It is also about learning, understanding and sharing.”
She continued: “In the world of learning and development, conversation plays a crucial role. Discussions expand our horizons, help us obtain fresh insights, and build connections. Indeed, through discourse, knowledge and ideas are shared, and conversation is often the catalyst for personal motivation and inspiration.”
Suzanne added: “At NHS Property Services, we encourage respectful and empathetic conversation, whether it’s at one of our many National Health Service facilities, while in the office or when working from home, and in our daily lives.”
Here are three tips from NHSPS:
- Use telephone calls as much as you can. Not only are phone conversations better for productive communication, but you can sense the tone in the other person’s voice. Conversely, messaging hinges on the perception of the reader.
- Be specific – give enough information to ensure the other person takes in what you’re saying.
- Body language is essential! Make sure your body language demonstrates that you’re involved in the conversation. For instance, try to establish eye contact so the other person knows you’re interested.
For more information about NHS Property Services (NHSPS), visit https://www.property.nhs.uk/.
Main Photo Credit: Anna Vander via Unsplash
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Faith: Tim Keller; a tribute
Tim Keller died on 19th May 2023. And, although assured by our Christian hope of the resurrection, it was saddening. At 72, Tim was still a significant preacher, writer and elder statesman in the Christian world. I have fond memory of being with him in New York and both of us passionately talking about reaching those outside of the church with the good news of Jesus.
I have been greatly helped by his penetrating and powerful books, such as The Reason for God and the Prodigal God.
Tim had many roles – pastor, theologian, writer – but perhaps the most important was that of evangelist. So here, as an evangelist, I want to comment on a few notable aspects of Tim’s remarkable life and ministry in proclaiming the gospel.
First, Tim’s preaching had confidence. Intellectually, Tim had deep theological roots: he knew what he was talking about. Although committed to a Reformed Christianity, he nevertheless had a sense of proportion and priority and never let secondary theological elements obscure or distract from the great focus of his preaching: Jesus Christ. Tim readily acknowledged that he had learned from British Christians such as C.S. Lewis, Martyn Lloyd-Jones and John Stott the importance of a ‘mere’ Christianity that never strayed far from the beating heart of the gospel: sin, forgiveness, Jesus and the cross. Significantly, although he always sought to reach out to those outside the church, his efforts never involved any compromise of his beliefs. Yet the strength of Tim’s preaching was that it was supported by more than intellectual conviction: he had met with Jesus and knew that only Jesus could change lives.
Second, Tim’s preaching had grace. There was a warmth and gentleness in his preaching and writing that warmed people to him and to Christ. One of his endearing characteristics was the way that, whether you read him or heard him, you felt that he stood alongside you as a friend and guide. Tim cared and understood, and he offered invitations to a faith in Christ that were hard to refuse.
Third, Tim’s preaching had richness. If he saw the fundamentals of the gospel message as fixed and unchanging, he also saw the significance of the gospel as extraordinarily broad. For him, coming to faith in Christ was not any sort of final destination but a beginning; the opening of a door to a new world, full of every sort of implication for how to live and think. It seemed that Tim could never talk or write on a subject without casting some fresh light on it from the gospel. That he could do this reflected not just his sharp intelligence, but his labours of reading and thinking extensively and deeply on a vast range of subjects. Tim was a firm believer in Abraham Kuyper’s famous phrase, ‘There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, “Mine!”’ Tim believed the key to effectively reaching out to those outside the faith was not to offer an insipid, watered-down gospel, but rather the very opposite; to present a richer, deeper message that captivated and won minds and hearts.
Fourth, Tim’s preaching had courage. He had an unshakeable faith that the message of Christ was for everybody; it was what, at depth, all men and women ultimately needed and longed for. That conviction gave him the vision and the courage to take risks. At a time when many people said that the inner cities, with their liberal secular masses, were no-go areas for evangelicals, Tim rejected any idea of retreating and took the gospel to the troubled and turbulent heart of New York. There, to the surprise of many – but not I think to him – his preaching found a receptive hearing.
Tim’s courage showed elsewhere. His growing ministry and his many books made him not only a public figure but, inevitably, an obvious target and he found himself under verbal attack, often from within Christianity, for what he said – or didn’t say – on theological or political issues. Undeterred, determined and ever peaceable, Tim simply pressed on with sharing Jesus.
Main Photo of Tim Keller courtesy of Gospel in Life
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The importance of kindness
f you’ll forgive me, I’d like to boast a little. Recently I was at university chatting to one of my fellow ‘mature’ students. She’s a mum and we were talking about parenting. We’ve known each other for about 18 months. She told me she thought I was kind. I nearly fell off my chair with shock and pride. Kindness is something I’ve been working on for a long time.
My darling wife Kate, to whom I’ve been married for nearly 37 years, has spent most of those years telling me that all she wants is for me to be kind to her. Having very nearly divorced fairly early on in our marriage, we’ve clearly done something differently to get this far. Kate said she agreed with my friend. I am kind.
It’s not that I was unkind before. The opposite of kindness is thoughtlessness, not cruelty. Being kind is about putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes and seeing things from their point of view. It’s about being interested and thoughtful and not imposing yourself.
After our second child was born, Kate and I did the classic thing of drifting apart. Kate focused on being a mum. I took a back seat and focused on work and money. We stopped being friends and became functional parents, not really thinking about one another. I thought about work and the children much more than about her. I wasn’t kind.
A few years ago, Kate and I were writing a book – What Mums Want (and Dads Need to Know) – about how our marriage had come back from the brink. We wanted to know how common our experience was, so we ran a survey of 300 mums. We asked them to rate the importance of various different roles and characteristics in their husband or partner.
Being a friend, being kind, and being involved were comfortably the top priorities. Fixing stuff and earning money, though not unimportant, were at the bottom of the list.
Kindness is everything. It shows thought, consideration, care. It shows you notice and you value. Being kind is an active decision that requires some sort of action. It only takes little things: a cup of tea, being aware, taking time. But those little things reveal the character behind them.
When somebody is kind, it’s hugely attractive. No wonder mums rate this as the number one quality they want from their other half. If we men could grasp that what mums want most is friendship, interest and kindness, we’d have a lot less heartache and family breakdown.
I only wish I’d known this all those years ago when I married Kate. We would have had a far smoother ride. Still, better late than never.
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Beyond the Banter: Putting down deep roots
Gardening experts advise that when planting a young tree a stake should be fixed at an angle which points in the direction of the prevailing wind. They also advise that the stake should be removed after a couple of years to allow the tree to develop deeper roots as it bends in the wind. Apparently part of the design of the tree is to bend and flex under pressure, because that action is what produces deeper and stronger roots. The roots grow deeper on the side facing the direction the wind is coming from.
I was out walking recently and came across an uprooted tree in woodland not far from where I live. This was a huge, mature tree, surrounded by many other trees, and it had been around for a long time, maybe since the woodland was planted in the early 1900’s. The woodland and adjacent parkland was a gesture from the landowners to the people of the local mining and industrial community to provide some respite from the dust and grime of the coal mining industry which was so prevalent in this part of the north west.
Despite its huge size and weight, and it not being identified as a tree at risk or attacked by disease, it had been blown over and lay like a spent matchstick. The ‘root plate’, as they call it, was very thin. The roots went sideways more than downwards. Perhaps the roots were shallow because the tree was surrounded by other trees so it hadn’t had to withstand the full force of the wind. In recent storms many big trees were blown over because the wind came from a different direction to the norm, making it easier to dislodge any shallow roots.
I came across another angle on this recently when I spotted a tree clinging for all it’s worth to a cliff edge (see main photo). The ground below half of it had been washed away by coastal erosion, exposing the root system. It was a smaller tree standing on it’s own, but had developed deeper roots. For now, it was standing firm.
I’m sure you can see some parallels here with our spiritual lives. No matter how strong we may look on the outside, if our roots don’t go deep we can be vulnerable to being blown over in the storms and strong winds of life.
Trees are fairly resilient on the whole and will bend in the wind. You may have heard trees creaking sometimes. We too may creak and sway a bit in the storms but still stay standing. We are designed to withstand a certain amount of pressure, but if we are constantly battered and have only shallow roots, there may come a time when we fall over when something comes at us from a direction we weren’t expecting.
We can seem strong when surrounded and protected by others. But we may need to leave the security and relative shelter provided by others and feel the full force of the prevailing wind. Our resilience and faith will grow stronger under pressure.
The picture of a small tree suffering from coastal erosion suggested to me that there are no guarantees in life. Even if we have put down strong roots there are some things we have no control over. Here are a couple of snippets of ancient wisdom to consider:
You can’t find firm footing in a swamp, but life rooted in God stands firm. Proverbs 12:3 (New Living Translation)
Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Jeremiah 17:7-8 (New Living Translation)
Main Photo Credit: Courtesy of Bob Fraser
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Real men do cry
The ‘strong, silent type’ is often seen as the epitome of manliness. Resilience is good, but trying to battle a mental health issue alone is not. Dr Ken shares some options for help.
Mental health problems are one of the commonest reasons patients speak to me as a GP. For too long mental health was a taboo subject for men. Fortunately, this is changing and, although women still present more often than men, it is becoming much commoner for men with mental health concerns to seek help. The days of ‘real men don’t cry’ should be consigned to history!
Every week, one in six adults have symptoms of a common mental health problem – and one in five have considered taking their own life at some point. Half of all adults believe they have had a mental health problem at some stage in their life. Suicide is significantly commoner in men than ladies.
The commonest problems include generalised anxiety, depression, phobia, and panic disorder. Bipolar disorder (where your mood swings from very low to very high and overactive) affects 1-2% of the population.
SEE YOUR GP
Please speak to your GP if you are struggling with your mental health. We can assess and usually make a diagnosis, offer advice, refer for talking therapies, signpost to support services, or prescribe medication. If required, we can refer to local mental health services for more specialist help.
In addition I encourage my patients to look at the NHS five steps to mental wellbeing, to help themselves:
■ Connect with other people: for example, family or friends.
■ Be physically active – there is good evidence for the mental health benefits of exercise.
■ Learn new skills – for example cooking, DIY or a new hobby.
■ Give to others – your time, your support, and your interest.
■ Practise mindfulness.
TALKING THERAPIES
Talking therapies are psychological treatments for mental and emotional problems. They all involve working with a trained therapist in various ways – one-to-one, in a group, online, over the phone, with your family or with your partner. They include:
■ Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) – to help you explore and change how you think about your life and free yourself from unhelpful patterns of behaviour.
■ Guided self-help – you work through a CBT-based workbook or computer course with the support of a therapist.
■ Counselling – you talk in confidence to a counsellor who helps you find ways to deal with difficulties in your life.
■ Behavioural activation – to help give you motivation to make small, positive changes in your life.
■ Interpersonal therapy – this helps you identify and address problems in your relationships with family, partners and friends.
■ Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) – if you have post-traumatic stress disorder this helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories of the traumatic event so you can let go of them.
■ Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy – helps you focus on your thoughts and feelings as they happen moment by moment.
Talking therapies require significant effort, but are very effective.
DON’T BOTTLE IT UP
Men are getting better at seeking help for mental health problems. There is help available from lots of places. Real men do cry – and it is OK to say “I’m not OK”. Ask for help.
All images: Getty
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Beyond the Banter: Myths and Legends
A friend invited me to go with him to see one of the Hobbit films. Lots of us men love myths, legends, and stories of adventure. Especially epic stories of adventure, where there’s a struggle going on between good and evil, darkness and light. They hold a strange fascination for many of us.
We duly met at the cinema only to find that the schedule had been changed and it was not on that afternoon. It wasn’t on anywhere else that afternoon. His Plan B suggestion was to go ten-pin bowling. Now I’ve only played occasionally since school days and probably the last time I went was ten years previously. So I was a little rusty to say the least. However, amongst the many rounds where I didn’t get a strike at all, I had one when I got four strikes in a row! I knew three in a row and you were a turkey, but never before had I heard of anyone getting four. I’d never even had three. So I was unprepared for the declaration that came up on the screen that I was a four-bagger. To me at least it was a story of epic proportions, albeit a short one. Me – a four-bagger!
All of this made me think about whether there is some sort of epic struggle going on in our lives and whether we have a battle on our hands against an unseen enemy who is determined to sideline us and cause us to lose heart. Is the story of our individual lives set within a much bigger epic story, which is still unfolding? Many of us have some consciousness of good and evil. We’re well aware of the many cruel things that happen to innocent people, and of the need for justice and truth. Many of us can see that some things seem more associated with darkness than light. Yet we all have a strange fascination with the darkness, and can easily get drawn into it if we are not careful. Hidden dangers lurk there. We go through a door out of curiosity and before you know it the door slams behind us and there’s no handle on the inside. We have no alternative but to go further and risk getting totally lost in unfamiliar surroundings. We may never find our way back.
For the Christian believer, the good news is that we don’t have to go it alone. We can draw on God’s help when the darkness seems more attractive than the light; when hiding in a dark cave seems better than facing the light of reality; when dwelling on our failures seems easier than getting up again and moving forward. We can draw on the courage and strength He provides to reduce the frequency with which we lose heart and feel like giving up. We can listen to His affirmation and encouragement, and replace our lethargy and isolation with a greater desire to be part of an epic story where good triumphs over evil, where love wins in the end.
Main Photo Credit: Artem Sapegin via Unsplash
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Opinion: The danger of artificial intelligence (AI)
Digital Editor’s Note: I’m delighted to welcome Peter Wright as a Guest Writer for Sorted Magazine. Peter spent most of his life in Africa before moving to Canada in 2004. He has worked for large and small corporations, started and owned several businesses and was a farmer. He’s also a published author, writer, speaker, marketer and co-founder of the popular podcast The Yakking Show. Peter doesn’t shy away from difficult topics or points of view and describes himself as a “contrarian”!
Peter writes: In 2023 Artificial Intelligence (AI) is one of the most discussed topics in marketing circles. Most of the discussion is about whether AI will replace people who create content for a living. Copy and text content creators are the most concerned. Advances in graphic, audio and video content creation by AI will threaten more creators.
Whilst sad and traumatic for those directly affected, technology-driven job obsolescence is not new. Since the Industrial Revolution, advances in technology have caused workers to lose jobs and learn new skills. The early 20th century saw thousands of textile mill workers, wagon drivers, blacksmiths, and farm workers displaced by machines. The second half of the century decimated the number of employed elevator operators, typists, secretaries and fax machine technicians.
It has continued in the 21st century with ATMs replacing bank tellers. Online shopping and self-serve checkouts destroying huge numbers of jobs in the retail sector.
It’s not a new phenomenon. Some argue that Artificial Intelligence and machine learning will have a more devastating effect than all the other waves of technological advances combined. That may or may not be. Whether it will be a catastrophic tsunami or a damaging high tide remains to be seen.
As a contrarian thinker, I believe the danger of developments in AI is not in the number of jobs it may or may eliminate. It is more serious than that.
Machines have no conscience, no understanding of ethics. Humans learn the sense of what is right or wrong, ethical or not, moral or immoral over many years from birth to maturity. Without that sense of right and wrong, the ability to create content by an app or program that relies on machine learning opens up the possibility of changing the course of history.
The invention of the printing press allowed the dissemination of thoughts, ideas and opinions to a wide audience. A far larger group of people than could be spoken to in village squares or town halls. Steam engines permitted the printing and distribution of much greater numbers of newspapers than could be done by hand-cranked printing presses and horse-drawn carts.
Telegraph, radio, telephone, cinema, television and the Internet all increased the size of the audience that could be reached instantly. In the early and mid 1900s, all had gatekeepers with some level of neutrality. Editors in media, the influence of the church, censorship (a double-edged sword), strong family values, social customs and conventions.
The neutrality of the gatekeepers started fading away in the late 1900s. By the early 2000s it had shifted to a liberal bias. In my opinion this bias was exploited by governments of all political hues to engineer support for unnecessary wars and criminal actions against citizens.
Can Artificial Intelligence Development Be Paused?
Major players, including Elon Musk and Steve Wozniak, have expressed concern and called for a six-month pause in AI development according to this report from CBS News.
A pause sounds like a good idea. I believe it’s unlikely to happen because of the profit motive and the race to have the best AI system along with the difficulty in defining the scope of AI development. A government led attempt to ban the use of or slow down the development of AI will probably fail. What does and does not fall under the AI umbrella is difficult to define. One could argue that autospell and spellcheck tools are a form of AI because they rely on machine learning.
AI has too many beneficial uses for society to reject it completely. Attempts to ban or slow down the implementation of the products of previous waves of innovation failed. The Luddites did not burn all the Lancashire cotton mills, men walking with red flags in front of motor vehicles soon became unemployed. Consider the rapid adoption of disposable diapers (nappies) despite the environmental cost of huge increases in garbage going to landfills. These are all examples of convenience trumping concerns about the possibility of harmful and unintended consequences.
Artificial Intelligence will not go away and I think it’s unlikely that its development will slow down. It has great potential for good, but it has a huge potential for harm. It could introduce an unprecedented level of adversity for most of mankind.
It’s up to every one of us to be alert and discerning when consuming content ourselves and educating our children to do the same. We need to resist the subtle attempts at brainwashing, and controlling our thoughts. Resist attempts to convince us to accept restrictions on what we can do, see, read, and use in the name of convenience.
A longer version of this article was first published in Peter’s newsletter.
Main Photo Credit: Markus Winkler via Unsplash
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Beyond the Banter: Nothing to hide; nothing to fear; nothing to prove
The idea of becoming men who have nothing to hide, nothing to fear and nothing to prove is a theme developed by Morgan Snyder, one of the Senior Leaders of John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart organisation, in his online podcast ‘Become Good Soil’. (Home – Become Good Soil) As I’ve thought about those three phrases, I find I can identify with each of them to some degree.
I’m sure many of us have done or thought about things that we’d rather not admit to, and we’ve kept it hidden from others. It’s understandable. We want others to think well of us; we want to preserve our reputation or perhaps we’re just not ready or willing to admit to some failure in the past. It feels safer to hide it or bury it and try to move on.
Nelson Mandela believed that everyone should be treated the same, whatever the colour of their skin. That belief resulted in him spending 27 years in prison, but he went from being a prisoner to a President and became an inspiration to people all over the world. He said: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not the man who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers fear.”
Fear can manifest itself in many ways, but many men won’t admit to being afraid in a dangerous situation as it may look like they are weak. However, fear sometimes has a way of galvanising courage within us when in a tight spot or when lost or when facing overwhelming circumstances. So fear can be a good thing. It’s a natural survival response and it can get us out of danger or keep us out of trouble. Bear Grylls said that being brave is having fear but finding a way through it.
But fear can also immobilise us to the point where we are unable to figure out what to do in a difficult situation. What may come to the surface are times when we got wounded or treated badly, so we are understandably reluctant to make ourselves vulnerable and put ourselves in that kind of situation again.
It’s often fairly obvious to us when someone seems to have something to prove. There is something they are striving to live up to, some image they are trying to maintain, some impression they are trying to give. But it’s a false front and underneath there is a different person who is insecure and perhaps wounded by past events. Richard Rohr, an American Franciscan priest and writer on spirituality based in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and a very popular writer and speaker on spirituality said, “There is nothing to prove and nothing to protect. I am who I am and it’s enough”.
Wanting to be a man who has nothing to hide, nothing to fear and nothing to prove gives me a route map for leaving the past behind, whether that be stuff I’ve done, or stuff that happened to me, and I can head into the future more secure in who I am becoming. I like that idea of becoming. It reminds me that, whatever age I am, I am unfinished; I am still work in progress.
Main Photo Credit: Eddie Kopp via Unsplash
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Comment: The mystery of Easter
The Ancient Greeks were famous for their education and wisdom, yet their knowledge didn’t close their minds to things which couldn’t be explained. My guess is that they would have had a mixture of influences, would probably be superstitious, and would need a bit more information when someone started talking about faith. They were real people living in a real world, yet they were very comfortable with mystery when it came to beliefs.
I think today’s generally post-faith society is similar. Many would have us believe that everything can be explained by science. Yet running alongside that is considerable interest in all things mysterious. Just look at all the fantasy TV programmes and films focussing on futuristic space exploration or the supernatural. And all those blockbuster films like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. There is a massive interest in and acceptance of things we can’t fully understand and which stretch the imagination. We shouldn’t be too quick to condemn this. Maybe we have tried to take the mystery out of our world and lost that sense of awe and wonder as a result.
Personally, I don’t need to have a rational or scientific explanation for everything. I’m very happy for there to be a sense of mystery especially in the area of beliefs. The origins of Easter are surrounded by controversy and shrouded in mystery. The story goes that God, in his wisdom, sent his son into our world as a vulnerable baby. The boy grew to become an apprentice in his father’s carpentry business. In his late twenties he set off on foot travelling through villages and towns sharing his thinking about life and faith. Not everyone liked it and it all ended up in a cruel death. But then, a mystery. Sightings of him alive again. A disputed resurrection somehow changed the lives and beliefs of a small number of people who went on to influence the lives of countless others around the world.
Perhaps we all struggle to accept things that are beyond our understanding and beyond our control, but maybe in those moments all we can do is stand in awe and accept it as an unfathomable mystery.
Main photo credit: Aaron Burden via Unsplash