Christmas Voices is a sweet little book. Its tasteful burgundy red cover is reminiscent of a premium quality Christmas card adorned with golden holly, trumpets and a Christmas star. At 150 pages long, the compact size would fit nicely through the average letter box, making it the sort of cheerful gift I would post out to a friend along with a personalised note.
Christmas Voices is ideal for those who enjoy pausing to reflect for a few minutes each day in the run up to Christmas Day or over their Christmas break. To that end the book is divided up into 25 daily readings which include some of the more traditional elements of Christmas such as bible readings, festive carols, poems and prayers. Each day includes a short reflection sensitively written by author, and host of the Woman Alive Book Club, Claire Musters. Claire’s writing is born out of life experience, it is thoughtful, helpful but never heavy. I can relate to every word she writes on Day 12! She says this:
“It can be difficult to think about joy when we are going through testing times. I have wrestled with God about this myself and am now convinced there is a joy that surpasses our earthly circumstances that God wants us to experience. One of the ways that we tap into it is through honest conversation with him.
In my own struggles I have often turned to the psalms, particularly those written by David. His writing, like the story of Hannah, seems to give us permission to be honest. David is up front about his emotions, his circumstances and his questions, but also speaks to his soul and acknowledges the sovereignty of God. He often turns to worship even in the midst of lament, which is something I have learned to do.
So much in our world has been shaken in recent years and for those of us who have lived in relative safety and prosperity, it has been a shock. In this psalm (30:5-8,11-12), David reflects on how invincible he had felt when everything was going well, it is all too easy to forget to rely on God when all seems to be ticking along fine. Pain reminds us to cry out to him.
David faced a range of highs and lows in his life – a successful king, he also had moments when he had to run for his life and when he endured God’s judgement. So his line ‘Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning’ seems to hold a wider, eternal perspective.”
Published by the Bible Reading Fellowship (BRF) Christmas Voicesis a warm and friendly book with additional insights and comments from 40 contributors from diverse backgrounds. Its clear, user-friendly structure makes it easy to dip in and out off between the hustle and bustle of the festive season.
Digital Editor’s Note: I’m excited and proud to welcome Rob Allwright as a Guest Writer here at the Sorted Magazine website. Rob brings a wealth of experience and is one of the most respected Christian reviewers in the UK. The energy Rob devotes to supporting and encouraging Christian creatives is staggering. His review show One Man In The Middle is broadcast by Branch FM, Heartsong Live and Hope FM. And I’m just a teensy bit excited that he has joined the wonderful peeps at the Manchester based broadcaster Konnect Radio!
Rob writes: If you have never come across the husband and wife duo Salt of the Sound then this is a great EP to introduce to you. They have a wonderful way with working with a song to make it feel like an incredibly personal experience and use ambient and atmospheric qualities to open up the soundscape beyond the room around you. This EP is a few years old and their sound has continued to develop since then, but there are still many of those qualities in this release along with some familiar tunes and the beautifully haunting vocal from Anita.
The first track is the familiar O Come, O Come Emmanuel which is a great opener because it is nice and familiar, you can compare it to other versions of the song and decide if this is something that you like. For me, I love it. It’s one of those tracks that you never really want to end! Sadly it ends all too quickly at just one minute and 37 seconds, but then we are into the original compositions. The first of these is a different look at the idea of Christ being the light of the world as Shine So Bright describes a room with no windows or doors, until Christ comes like a candle into that room pushing away the darkness, and the song concludes with us reflecting Jesus to the world around us. This is all set against a percussive background of musical twinkling and the atmospheric vocals. White Forests is an understated track which whispers in the background talking about Yule as the name for Christmas as the sense of longing for hope and peace.
The music and the effects aren’t just background in Salt of the Sounds tracks, they tell the story in their own right, even in those tracks that have lyrics the music is given space to be explored, but it comes into it’s own when there is a full instrumental track. From Afar is one of these that takes you on a journey that it yours to interpret, whatever you make of it, it’s a beautiful trip! The title track Waiting for the Dawn uses the familiar words Silent Night, Holy Night with a different harmony to open up the world waiting for the Saviour to be born. It talks about a lonely and weary world but the dawn brings a new hope to those who are waiting for the dawn. The repeated name of Emmanuel and a recap of the idea of a weary world then leads into the final track which is their own take on the chorus of O Come Let Us Adore Him but with a subtitle of The Day Has Dawned which leads us from the night of the shining star and those waiting, to a call to worship Christ as the promised hope and Saviour now that the daylight has come again!
This brings a whole reflective journey to the Christmas celebrations and I have had the pleasure of setting aside some time to listen to this for personal meditation and it really is a beautiful and ambient sound that allows for this. It sits in the back of the consciousness providing a little direction as you dwell upon Christmas. It also makes excellent background music that can just wash over your soul. For a few pounds this EP is available to add to your collection you can thank me later, once you have thoroughly chilled out, which is normally badly needed through the weeks of advent!
The movie The Great Escape is always featured on television during Christmas. That classic film about the Second World War is enjoyed by even those who dislike war films. 2023 will mark 60 years since it was released and, rather surprisingly, it’s become a seasonal classic.
In case you’re one of the people who’ve never seen it, The Great Escape is a fictionalised account of the mass breakout from the Stalag Luft III prison camp, which, spoiler alert, largely failed. Nevertheless, it’s an engrossing film with some great actors, including the dominating performance of Steve McQueen and his motorbike. It is also a reminder of the days when stunts were achieved by real people in the real world rather than by pixels in computers, and when war’s butchery was hinted at rather than depicted in every detail. I remember first seeing it 50 years ago as a teenager and it left a deep impression on me.
Why, though, for all its achievements, has The Great Escape, which barely mentions Christmas, become such a seasonal favourite? Oddities like this intrigue me because they often highlight what people are thinking. My take is that the idea of a prison-break connects at a deep level with everybody, for the simple reason that many, perhaps most, of us feel trapped in different ways. Perhaps we are stuck in the same dull job, perhaps we see life slipping past as we go nowhere.
I think this sense of being trapped, imprisoned, is made worse in our time because the world itself is becoming increasingly closed. A hundred years ago or more it was possible, at least in theory, to start a new life: to sail to Australia and a new beginning, to vanish without trace or take a boat to some blank space on a map in South America. But the world itself is no longer big enough to escape into. The white spaces on the maps have long been filled, opportunities fenced in by bureaucracy, and with a mobile phone you are never alone. There is, too, a sense of cultural claustrophobia where our digital world often seems to know more about us than we do. There are other forms of being trapped: some people feel trapped in their own bodies, some imprisoned by their own psychology, still others held hostage by their past. And all of us are prisoners bound by time, ageing and death. It’s a disturbing thought that The Great Escape is indeed 60 years old and that death has now claimed all the twelve lead actors. Outside any sort of faith, existence is a prison camp from which no one escapes alive.
In reality, I think the sense of being trapped and needing our own great escape goes deeper than any psychological claustrophobia. The philosophy of our age not only offers no jail-break but indeed screams that there is none. Life, we are told, is an escape room with no exit, a snakes-and-ladders board with serpents on every other square and a cell with no tunnel out to the free world.
One problem with this sense of being trapped is that often people seek an escape but choose a disastrous escape route. They assume a second marriage will solve the problems of the first, a new job will relieve the tedium of the old, a new home away from the hustle and bustle of the big city will bring calm.
The good news is that Christmas is about the big escape, not from the family and relatives! It’s the idea at the very heart of Christmas, that in Jesus, God was entering his own world with the intention of rescuing us. God has not just spoken but has acted. In a way inevitably beyond understanding, the infinite and the eternal somehow became one of us – entering our existence to the point of being human. And he did it not simply to show solidarity or to learn what we endure, but to be one of us and lead us out.
In the introduction to John’s gospel we get some profound thinking about what the nativity means. The eternal Word, God himself, becomes one of us; the infinite takes on flesh and heavenly light comes into earthly darkness. The closed system is broken open. We are promised that there’s even an escape beyond the impregnable walls of death. Jesus, dying in order to destroy death, doesn’t burrow his way out of the prison camp through a tunnel, but strolls out from the open tomb.
For the believer in Christ, Christmas points the way to our own escape from all that binds and entraps us. Jesus offers us the greatest of escapes into freedom, friendship with God and a future. Let’s take it!
Extract from the Foreword of The Last Laugh by Steve Legg: It was one of those “Is this God speaking to me?” moments that many followers of Jesus experience. A thought surfaces, seemingly from nowhere, and its persistent luminosity makes us wonder if the Holy Spirit is broadcasting on our personal wavelength. Some believers insist their lives are punctuated with daily, even hourly, revelations. I haven’t found God to be quite so chatty. So when I do sense his nudge, I usually dash into crisis mode. Is this thought racing around my mind just my wishful thinking, is it truly the divine voice, or is it merely the aftereffects of last night’s chicken tikka masala? I wish God would speak with a louder, clearer voice, but perhaps he whispers because he wants us to draw closer, that we might hear.
Back to my inner nudge. Halfway through a Sunday morning service, I was just about to preach when the thought surfaced again: “Take a look at my beautiful people.” So I did. I looked around at the sea of faces that was our congregation, and recalled some of their stories. Over there was John, who married after desperately longing for a soulmate for decades, only to lose his darling in a drunk driver-caused crash. Towards the back was Sally, who had poured her heart out on a lonely mission field. Not many responded to her life of kingdom service, but she stayed the course until retirement. Now she feels somewhat lost, surplus to requirements. I look her way but she is unaware, for her eyes are shut tight, her hands raised in worship. Beautiful indeed.
And the whisper confirmed the truth that God who flings stars into being with a word, daubs drab skies with rainbows and paints deep sea fishes in stunning colours that no human eye will ever see – this God of ours finds the greatest delight when he sees hearts that trust him through mystery. In recent months, I have pondered yet another dazzling sight. Our dear friend Steve has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. A tearful oncologist delivered the dreaded news that he had just months to live. There are hopeful possibilities with some radical treatment options, but he, Bekah and the whole family are treading a bewildering path: the remote possibility of a medical solution and their belief in a miracle-working God who can heal in a moment, all entwined with a visit to a hospice to discuss end-of-life care. But Steve and Bekah have decided. Even when life is threatened, it still goes on.
The weekend after the dark diagnosis, Steve, a brilliant evangelist who uses comedy in his Tricks and Laughs presentations, performed at four outreach events. He is also the publisher of Sorted, an outstanding Christian magazine for men. Bekah continues to lead Restored, a non-profit dedicated to helping victims of domestic abuse. Recently, during a transatlantic phone chat, Bekah spoke of some of the good things they are celebrating, even as they pass through the valley of the shadow. “There is so much beauty to be seen, even in this horrible season,” she said. “We don’t want to miss the lovely things that God is surely doing.” That’s when we had to pause for tears because, in celebrating treasure that can be found even in darkness, Bekah and Steve have themselves become quite beautiful in their persistent faith and faithfulness. In the intense and unwelcome roller-coaster ride that suffering brings, they are clinging to God through the white-knuckle ride. They are, in short, a stunning sight.
Often we focus on what’s wrong with the world and with the Church. Fixated on the failures of high-profile Christian leaders, we sink into despair. Preoccupied with the picky pettiness that breaks out when someone suggests moving the pews, we wonder if there’s any future for a people so resistant to change. But all around us today, there are quiet yet glorious examples of tenacious dedication. If you’re one of them, know this: your love for Christ surely turns his head.
In this warm, authentic book that is rich in wisdom and void of cliché, you will find hope and inspiration. As you trace Steve’s journey, you’ll peer into the shadowland of suffering and discover that the light of Jesus shines brightly there. As you read, please say a prayer for Steve and Bekah, and their lovely family. And if you’re preoccupied with ugliness – in yourself, in others, in our broken world and imperfect Church – then know this: there’s beauty to be found in the most surprising places. Go on. Turn the page, and look again.
“How long have I got, Doc? Five days? Five weeks? Five months? Five years?”
“Months,” the oncologist replied.
When he heard this devastating news, Steve Legg and his wife Bekah made a bold decision – they would get busy living and get busy laughing.
Yes, there were tears that day and in those that followed, but Steve is a funnyman and a man of faith. He was never going to give cancer the last laugh.
In his latest book, international baffler and funny guy, Steve Legg, faces the no-joke reality of the diagnosis of a terminal illness. An engaging read throughout, the book will lead you to the most wonderful of all conclusions: that we are never, ever alone, and never, ever forsaken.
But this is not just Steve’s story; he draws lessons that can change not only the way we view our death – but also our life.
Hope. Heart. Humour. Humanity. This gripping story has everything.
Digital Editor’s Note:Christmas at the Movies is a close-up view of ten of J.John’s favourite Christmas movies and his festive reflections on them. Each chapter in this new book brings a fresh perspective, covering topics such as family relationships, living with regret, the pressures of the ‘perfect Christmas’, and the true reason for the season. Today’s post is an extract from the book.
J. John writes:It’s a Wonderful Life follows the life of George Bailey, born and raised in the typical American small town of Bedford Falls. But he is someone with ambition and imagination who wants to escape, to travel and to achieve something. Those dreams, however, never materialise. George’s commitment to his family and, above all, to his community, means that he spends decades stuck in the town without the obvious visible achievements that his friends and family acquire. He is a man whose selfless willingness to do little things for others has prevented him from doing big things for himself.
One Christmas Eve George’s frustration comes to a head with a financial crisis that threatens to send him to prison. In a fit of angry despair, he goes out to commit suicide. At this point his guardian angel intervenes and, in a nightmarish vision, shows him what his community and those he loves would have been like if he hadn’t existed. In the face of this revelation George realises that his life has indeed been wonderful.
There is much to think about in It’s a Wonderful Life but perhaps its biggest lesson lies in how we evaluate what we have done. Society has always celebrated the visible attainments of wealth, power and fame but never more so than today. We are all inclined to measure ourselves by our number of friends (real or virtual), our job title, our bank balance or the size of our house. God, however, operates on a very different basis and so should we.
Looking back this Christmas you may, like George Bailey, reflect on your life and think that actually you haven’t done very much. That may very well be you assessing things by the wrong standards. It’s worth remembering that what God values most of all is faithfulness, kindness, generosity and obedience. Let’s be more focused on what we can do for others and less on what we can get for ourselves. The lesson of It’s a Wonderful Life is that it’s not what you achieve or have that counts, but it’s who you are.
Digital Editor’s Note:Wonder: An Advent and Christmas Collection is a profound and often humorous collection of reflections, monologues, poetry, sermons and sketches. In this new book Rev Andy March invites us, whether we’re lifelong Christians or new to faith, to take a fresh look at this world-changing story and become lost in wonder once again. I’m delighted to welcome Andy as today’s Guest Writer. Look out for extracts from his book during the month of December.
Rev Andy March writes: “I love Christmas. I think I look forward to it almost as much as my children. I love almost everything about it, the cheesy music; the lights that illuminate the dark December streets; the carol services and nativity plays; the carols and Bible readings; going to church at really strange times of the night; the Christmas trees and decorations … I could go on. I love telling stories, particularly Bible stories, and finding ways for these timeless and ancient truths to hit home today, whether for a hall full of schoolchildren, an all-age congregation, or occasional visitors to church at carol services. If I can find a different way to convey essential truths, I will, even if it involves looking silly (which it often has, as I’ve dressed up as angels, wise men and even adorned donkey ears, much to the embarrassment of my children!).
Wonder: An Advent and Christmas Collection is the fusion of these two passions and the result of a decade or so of my work in Church of England parish ministry. Most of these pieces have been written for church all-age and carol services as well as “ordinary” Sundays, and school services. They were written to be read aloud and performed, so you may want to try this yourself!
Whether you’re someone looking for fresh inspiration as you plan your own services, or a Christian looking for something to inspire your own worship and devotion, I hope this book is a blessing to you.
Wonder: An Advent and Christmas Collection is not designed to be read front-to-back like a novel. I see it more as a selection box to be dipped into and enjoyed! The stories are gathered into four parts:
Part One: Telling the story A collection of monologues and sketches that seek to tell the familiar story in a new way, often from the perspective of the characters involved. These would be perfect for use in services and would work as stand-alone pieces.
Part Two: Proclaiming Good News – the message of Advent and Christmas This includes sermons I have preached over the years. The “Carols by Candlelight” sermons try to reflect the year’s events in some way and link it to a particular aspect of the Good News of Christmas.
Part Three: Responding to the Story Poetry, which often forms my personal expression of worship in this season. My greatest challenge as a “professional Christian” is that I can be so focused on communicating the Good News to others that I fail to appreciate its meaning for myself. These poems flow from those times when I stop, reflect and worship.
Part Four: Reflecting on the Story An Advent and Christmas devotional that starts on December 1st and ends on January 6th, containing Bible verses I selected and reflections I wrote on Twitter. You may want to use this to accompany your own devotions, perhaps at the end of the day.
In the foreword Andy Kind, Comedian and Author writes: “The joy of writing, when you shake off the norms and the preconceived, is that really you can write whatever you want to. “Unclassified” isn’t a low grade – it’s a sign of pioneering out-of-the-boxmanship. Andy March has done that with this book. Having preached at his church, I’ve seen first-hand Andy’s commitment to people and kingdom ideas, telling the old, old story in new and innovative ways. This new work is the fruit of Andy’s labours working “in the trenches” of local church. It drips with experience, wit and wisdom – an impressive addition to his growing output and legacy. For devotion and inspiration, via his own perspiration, here you’ll find a one-stop shop for Christmas word feasting. An advent calendar of tasty word; a buffet of delectable sound bites. Don’t get too fat, now, will you?”
Throughout the UK lockdowns, I often spent my evenings lying down in the house – trusting in God’s care. Suspended in that strange season, I buried my nose in more books, consumed more online productions and viewed more TV than ever before.
Now as the night’s draw in and a new sofa season is rapidly approaching, I sense broadcasters tempting me with their creative offerings once again. But before I recline with the remote, let me tell you what the telly has taught me about God:
Visualising Deconstruction:The Repair Shop (BBC)
Observing the skilled experts of The Repair Shop thoughtfully assess, lovingly deconstruct and carefully conserve all manner of precious family heirlooms is quite something. With patience and courage, they undertake the lengthy surgical deconstruction process. They remove every single shard of rust, every fleck of baked on glue, varnish, paint, oil or grime. All carefully executed without inflicting further damage on the already fragile artefact. Every trace of these ancient contaminants must be removed as they hold the potential to undermine the strength, structure and function of the object. Original materials which have been lost to the sands of time, or become too delicate, are either replicated or reinforced.
The BBC team is eager, excited and engaged. Its conservation work generates joy. Watching the individuals at work, wholly immersed in a dedicated campaign of total restoration, forges a deeper understanding of how my Heavenly Father is at work in me. I’ve learned that God too is a cheerful, diligent craftsman who delights in the work of His hands. Every aspect of my life is being lovingly restored by Him.
Understanding Bounded spaces:Gardeners’ World (BBC)
Watching expert gardener, Monty Don, working in his own garden is an exercise in both beauty and peril. His garden, Long Meadow, seems idyllic. There is shade and sun; friendly dogs; a writing garden; a cosy shed. It’s worth noting that this garden, as in the *garden of Eden described in the Bible’s Book of Genesis, is a bounded space.
I’ve thought a lot about bounded spaces lately. This is mostly down to Walter. He lives under my neighbour’s shed. I kid you not. Walter the Weasel is furry, cute and deadly. A cunning agent of chaos and destruction. A vicious predator, Walter can easily kill a creature twice his own size. Lately he has begun chewing holes in the base of the boundary fence, sneaking in, and helping himself to the unsuspecting bird life in my garden. I’m not happy about the vandalised fence and the slaughtered birds. If the holes are blocked up he chews a new one. Walter can be held at bay but he can’t be kept out.
Much human effort goes into creating bounded spaces of both the physical and abstract variety. In our primal quest for safety and certainty, our guts instinctively communicate that there’s something that needs to be kept out. So we build boxes. And bigger boxes. We build businesses. And we build belief systems. But here’s the thing, even the sagely Monty Don is unable to keep agents of destruction out of his bounded spaces. He can only hold them at bay. Sometimes pests and pestilence utterly destroy the plant he’s nurturing, invoking an inner savage with the secateurs.
And if God’s perfect garden, a holy bounded space, was breached (by design or default) by an agent of chaos and destruction (a snake) what chance have I against such foes? I’ve learned that no matter how secure my bounded physical or abstract spaces seem, my perimeters are permeable. Metaphorical weasels may be held at bay, but because weasels are so very weasely, they will surely weasel their way in. I need not fear them; they’re not dragons; they’re just weasels. I must expect them. I must not let them blow me off course. I must stand against them. It would be naïve of me to think otherwise.
Valuing Journalism:Endeavour (ITV)
The dynamics between journalism and law enforcement can be tense.
In the fictional crime drama, Endeavour, the tension is mostly played out between two central characters. Newspaper editor, Dorothea Frazil, (Abigail Thaw) works to pursue and publish the truth. DC Endeavour Morse (Shaun Evans) works to prosecute the perpetrator. Both strive to hold the powerful to account, both play their respective parts as citizens in a nation under law. Nowadays journalists and ‘the media’ are frequently despised and subjected to considerable criticism. I’m often disheartened by this, but when I study Abigail Thaw’s character it renews my hope in the value of good journalism. Through her, God reminds me that He’s in the business of recruiting outliers to become scribes, prophets, truth-tellers and jobbing journalists. I think God gets behind writers, and the act of writing, because it’s one of the ways He brings things into the light and gives a voice to the voiceless.
Experiencing Gratitude:The Victoria Slum (BBC)
This fly-on-the-wall series follows a group of modern people transported to a replica Victorian slum deep in the bowels of London’s East End. I expected to be more prepared for the scummy horrors of slum dwelling. My personal narrative casts me as an unspoilt, humble, working-class northerner. But while viewing this series God revealed a shed full of muttering ingratitude, generously daubed with a splodge of low-level resentment. God insisted that I let this go. And so I did. Now I’m grateful that I grew up with a freezing brick privy at the end of our yard because it was private. I’m grateful for that terraced house because it wasn’t occupied by the whole street. I’m grateful for that cold bed because I didn’t have to share it. I’m grateful for that hand-me-down doll because I could play instead of work. I’m grateful for that wafer-thin slice of Hovis bread because I got one every day. I’m grateful that I was the last child dunked into that shared weekly bathwater, because it was clean(ish) and warm(ish). I’m grateful for my ancestors, who grafted in mines and mills because their past investment rewarded me with a future. I’m grateful to my Heavenly Father, more than ever before, because he has revealed more of His goodness towards me.
Closing thoughts…
As the liberty and liveliness of summer gives way to the warm embrace of autumn, consider the leaves changing and falling. Observe the drifting clouds; slow your thoughts down to the subtle speed of the sky; and watch as night gently falls. Though dark evenings will soon envelop us, God can communicate through the stillness, if we’re open to hearing from Him.
If you do only one thing, Allow yourself to lie down in the evening, and be open to receiving God’s care for you.
Main Photo Credit: Glenn Carstens-Peters via Unsplash
Rt Rev Rose Hudson-Wilkin, Bishop of Dover has joined with campaigners around the world to pray for the rubbish problem which is blighting communities living in poverty.
The special downloadable prayer video<https://vimeo.com/865999979> is for international development charity Tearfund’s Rubbish Campaign Week of Prayer and Action which takes place from Monday, October 30th until Sunday, November 5th 2023.
The week comes ahead of the next round of negotiations for the first ever UN treaty on plastic pollution. Tearfund staff and activists will be at the talks in Kenya to make sure that the voices of waste pickers and people living in poverty are heard.
Around the world, one in four people have no safe way to dispose of rubbish, meaning many are forced to live and work among piles of waste. This is making people sick, releasing toxic fumes, flooding communities and causing up to a million deaths each year, that’s one person dying every 30 seconds.
Photo Credit: Antoine Giret via Unsplash
Bishop Rose said: “Our world is in a mess in so many ways. Among other man-made problems, we’re facing mountains of plastic pollution and our addiction to single-use plastics is only making it worse. But Jesus told his followers that even the smallest amount of faith can move mountains.
“Join me and a global movement of Christians, from the UK to Australia, New Zealand to Zambia, in praying for the UN plastic treaty talks and bringing an end to this rubbish problem.”
Tearfund is encouraging churches and individuals to check out their free resources including a prayer video, prayer guide and even daily texts to pray for those most affected by the plastic crisis. Visit www.tearfund.org/weekofprayer<http://www.tearfund.org/weekofprayer> for more information.
Photo above: Rt Rev Rose Hudson-Wilkin, Bishop of Dover
Digital Editor’s note: I’m very pleased to welcome today’s Guest WriterDon Esson. Don is Director of Partnerships and Development for Spurgeons Children’s Charity, publishers of Dad.info. In this article Don opens up about some of his deeply personal experiences, insights and understanding of parenting and mental health.
Don writes: ‘Toxic masculinity’ can have a direct link to mental health among men. As a society we’re all too familiar with this negative term that is used to package up everything men are supposed to avoid. Yet, is there a baby and bathwater moment where we are removing the very thing that makes men, well men?
The real issue is that society hasn’t addressed what standards and attitudes men should strive towards, or in other words, positive masculinity. As the statistics reveal, this couldn’t be more timely. Evidence from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) clearly indicates that the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 is suicide. Not cancer, accidents, or anything else.
Diving deeper into the statistics, the common thread is men are less likely to ask for help.
ONS statistics show that since the early 90s, men have been at least three times as vulnerable to death from suicide as women. Men are dealing with the effects of social expectations on masculinity, meaning they are less likely to admit when they feel vulnerable, I know for me I can struggle to ask for help when I need it most. In the absence of asking for help men are likely to self-medicate and ‘numb’ the mental load with alcohol and drugs which can reinforce depression and increase impulsive behaviours.
So, for Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m thinking of the dads who fall under the age of 45 and how they can be better supported.
There is no blueprint for how dads can raise the next generation with their mental health and well-being intact. I’m a dad. I have two daughters who I co-parent with my wife. I am also a man who knows what it feels like to be in a hole and not know how to get out of it. My life has not always been straightforward.
In the space of 12 months, my family faced multiple blows including various health challenges, and I found myself wondering ‘Can this get any worse?’. My wife later fell down the stairs suffering severe fractures and my daughter was diagnosed with hip dysplasia and underwent major surgery. I cannot tell you the pain I felt as a father watching my 18-month-old daughter drift under the effects of a general anaesthetic. Despite trying desperately to keep it together, my stress levels went through the roof.
I grew up around very poor mental health and have witnessed the effects of suicide. I know what a battle with one’s mental health can do to someone and as we endured this difficult season, I diagnosed myself with everything under the sun. I thought I needed to be locked up.
My Christian faith is a guiding light in my life, and I’ve been fortunate enough to understand what the author of Hebrews is talking about when he writes: ‘We have this hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure’. Despite the ‘feeling’ of things not improving I could draw upon the faithfulness of God in days gone past to know that if He’d got me this far, he’d be there as this season continues.
In prayer, I was prompted to contact a friend who was able to connect me to someone he knew could help me. This person’s day job is being a sports coach and he has a background in psychotherapy so when he told me I didn’t have any of the things I had self-diagnosed, I started to listen. He said: “You’re stressed”. He gave me tools to manage my stress like walking and breathing exercises. Though I thought they were ridiculously simple at first, to my surprise they worked.
Finally, he told me that I probably just needed some ‘buddies’ around me.
I got out of the hole by asking for help, but many dads don’t have the same roadmap to help as I did.
Not every dad has a coach for a friend on the other end of the phone.
Ryan, a 38-year-old dad from Kent lost two brothers and one cousin to suicide and two of those deaths happened in the past year. Having had a mental breakdown two years ago, he describes himself in ‘crisis mode’. “I have struggled all my life with my moods. I have always tried to deal with things myself, but this resulted in alcohol and drug abuse to numb the pain, creating another problem, and worsening my mental health.
“Men tend to hide things and not talk as freely as women about their feelings. For me, hiding my issues led me to the point of needing specialist and intensive therapy, the kind of service that isn’t as readily available. For many men, it’s too late before the support reaches them.”
In a society that so comfortably challenges toxic masculinity, why aren’t we making room for men to talk?
Typically, men don’t ask about other men’s feelings.
Add fatherhood into the mix and you’re met with the added worry and responsibility of how this impacts the children. Critically, dads who find themselves in this place often feel as if they’ve failed their job of being ‘dad’. The term ‘positive masculinity’ presents an alternative approach that we should pursue, rather than its toxic variation just being something we should avoid.
To dads I say, it’s less about fixing your problem and more about becoming vulnerable.
Ryan did a skydive to raise money for the cause and in memory of those he lost. He said doing what he can to help, in turn, helps him. He is an important part of the change although he still has a daily battle with his mental health.
As we raise the next generation, we have an opportunity to make change possible for our children. To invite a friend for a pint or coffee and tell them how bad your day was is a culture shift and so is asking another man how he really is. The more our culture starts to shift, the less easy it will be to ignore the gaps in support for dads and, equally, support for all men.
To be a part of the change, fill out this anonymous survey to share how you’ve felt since becoming a dad: https://www.videoask.com/fc82ux5lj
Photo Credits: Samuel Martins, Juliane Lieberman and Donovan Grabowski all via Unsplash
