Pink with Dia De Muertos Accent Shirt (main photo)
Dia de Muertos, or ‘Day of the Dead,’ is a day of mourning which originated in Mexico. However, it is much less solemn than most wakes and is portrayed as a holiday of joyful celebration rather than mourning. So, there you go – happy skulls.
£115 blakemill.co.uk
Keeping It Cool Shirt
This shirt really does have it all. The linen-mix fabric keeps you cool, the shape keeps it smart, and the lemon colourway (pictured above) and added light pink details bring in the joy of the season. Whether you wear it buttoned up or turn up the sleeves and style it over a t-shirt, this long-sleeved shirt will keep you looking great and feeling cool this summer.
£35 joebrowns.co.uk
Tatterset Water Repellent Quarter Zip Sweatshirt
This is a water-repellent, quarter-zip stretch sweatshirt (pictured above). It is made of eco-friendly recycled polyester with a handy hidden zipped side pocket. It feels super soft, is water-resistant, and is quick to dry. All in all, here’s a classic men’s sweat made for seasonal transitions
New research from leading residential park bungalow provider, Regency Living, reveals that over half of over-60s feel excluded from their local communities, whilst 70% struggle with loneliness at some point or another.
Regency Living has surveyed 1,028 UK over-60s to ask questions around loneliness, isolation, and community to understand what role these things play in our lives as we get older. The survey reveals that whilst 30% of over-60s live alone, as many as 70% of those surveyed struggle with loneliness at times.
Whilst 52% are in daily contact with loved ones, 48% stated that they only have contact with friends and family on a weekly basis or longer. 37% of those surveyed also stated that they have no contact with their neighbours beyond greeting them in passing. As many as 51% went on to say that they don’t feel included within their wider community.
One of the key reasons for this lack of community amongst the over-60s is seemingly the lack of opportunities available to them, with 37% stating that there were no chances to get involved in the community, whether it be community groups, days out or clubs to attend.
All in all, the survey reveals that loneliness plays a significant part in the lives of many over-60s, and 21% even go so far as to say that loneliness is negatively impacting their quality of life.
A Regency Living spokesperson explained: “Loneliness can have a negative impact on both mental and physical health and it’s not just those living alone who can struggle, as often age or the declining health of a partner can result in a restricted ability to get out and about, meet with friends or family and get involved in the community.
While many downsizers are initially drawn to the park home lifestyle due to the more affordable price and the opportunity to release equity in the existing home, it’s the ready made community aspect and its accessibility that soon becomes the best thing about park home living.
Park home sites have an incredibly strong sense of community and togetherness, bringing support, companionship and security, all of which are extremely important aspects for those in later life. As a result, park home owners are able to enjoy a wonderful quality of life whether it be alone or with their partner and are never short of things to do, or people to do them with.”
Unsung heroes is a fascinating, moving, and gripping true story about faith, family and music. Out in cinemas on June 14th this new film from Kingdom Story Studios is a terrific film about family, faith, and releasing your full potential. It certainly deserves to be a hit and I, for one, hope it will be.
The second major faith film this year, following Ordinary Angels, this is the true story of David and Helen Smallbone. When David’s music company in Australia collapses, he uproots the family in Nashville and sets out to start life all over again. However, it simply isn’t that easy, and all sorts of factors conspire to make like difficult for them.
Eventually, the couple begin to recognize the talent that exists within their own family. Their children have talent. The children’s musical career starts with their daughter Rebbeca St James, who was the first in the family to get a recording contract. Luke and Joel went on to form For King and Country and became one of the most successful acts in contemporary Christian music. Between them they have won five Grammys.
The film has a terrific ensemble cast and the music, as you would expect, is wonderful and worth the price of the admission alone. A film for all ages that praises the virtues of persistence and not giving up. Seek it out and enjoy.
Main Photo Credit: Courtesy of Kingdom Story Studios
Digital Editor’s Note:As a record number of women have been voted into the House of Commons Sorted Magazine welcomes two Guest Writers – Girls’ Brigade CEO Judith Davey-Cole, and Margaret Casely-Hayford, Patron. In this article they share their opinions and ask how can we ensure gender equality remains a priority.
A record number of female MPs have been elected in the UK General Election, with a record number of 242 female MPs being voted into the House of Commons, surpassing the previous record of 220 in 2019. Years of well-evidenced research establish the value of women’s leadership and the benefits of gender diverse boards and senior leadership. We know it’s important to ensure gender equality in our governments.
However, the path to leadership for women is still fraught with challenges that require our collective effort to overcome. We must continue to raise women up, not only by celebrating their successes but by actively equipping and encouraging them on the journey to get there.
We represent the Girls’ Brigade England & Wales, a fellowship which creates opportunity for networks of support to be built, which can be present and helpful for young leaders. Girls’ Brigade enables and equips girls to be the leaders of the future, in all spheres of life. Internationally, we have special consultative status at the UN Commission for Status of Women in recognition of the life-changing work we do to build the skills, confidence and agency of girls and young women.
The work we do is transformational in building girls’ confidence and resilience and enables them to live life to the full. It equips them as leaders of the future in whatever they do. Dawn Butler MP explained: “I was in Girls’ Brigade when I was a young girl and my experience was very life-affirming. I felt safe and like I could grow and develop. Today, it’s still relevant. It’s a safe place where girls and women can get together to share experiences and build friendships and that is a valuable component of a young person’s growth. As an African-Caribbean woman and leader I believe it is important for me to use my experiences to smooth the road for those coming after me. I firmly believe that when girls and women are on the ladder of success, we should lay the foundations for an escalator, making the journey of women coming behind us faster, smoother and easier.”
A young leaders programme helps people prioritise building a culture of trust and integrity, because working in an environment of trust and integrity means that people can do their best work and success follows.
But once a woman is in a leadership position, more obstacles follow. The various entrenched reasons for women’s lower level of political participation are also well researched and well known. They range from deeply ingrained culture and customs, lack of self-confidence, economic factors (like the gender pay gap) to these pressing responsibilities for caring for children and other family members. Organisations lose their investment in senior staff and leaders if they leave to take on the demands of caring responsibilities. There has undoubtedly been progress in recent years, but we’re not where we need to be in terms of a just and fair society.
As we celebrate women in leadership, let’s use this as a chance to introduce essential policy changes on caring responsibilities that so often hamper at critical stages in people’s careers, especially women.
The different perspectives that women bring on relationships and decision making tend to result in more collaborative workplaces with a more positive inclusive culture is well documented. And crucially gender balanced teams tend to be more innovative and creative.
Although men increasingly share in childcare and care for the sick or elderly, it’s still the case that the vast majority of this unpaid-for benefit to society is fulfilled by women. Many of our volunteers are carers, and some are sandwich carers where they’re caring for an older relative while at the same time bringing up their children. Many of our girls are carers too.
We believe more focus is needed to create better infrastructural support to enable and support women in leadership. And this includes better workplace information and networks set up for those with caring responsibilities to prevent feelings of isolation. We also know that professional carers have never been seen as such and have therefore been undervalued for too long. We suggest that Government, Third and private sectors could usefully collaborate on the professionalisation of the caring industry, setting up clearer career structures and support for care workers, for example through establishment of a code of conduct, with principles, underpinning guidance on behaviours, expectations and accountability so that there is greater transparency about what is demanded of them.
If we can offer young girls and women the opportunity to shape their own journeys in leadership and build the policy infrastructure and support that women in leadership need, then we can truly bring equal representation of women’s views and priorities to our democracy.
Find out more about the work of Girls’ Brigade at www.girlsbrigadeministries.org.uk
Many of us are unwilling to face up to our fears, especially irrational ones. It is estimated that between 400 and 800 million people globally may suffer from a specific phobia. Studies show that women report phobias more frequently than men (12.2% versus 5.8%). This discrepancy could be attributed to a combination of genetic, biological, and societal factors.
Genetic predispositions may make some individuals more susceptible to phobias, and hormonal variations could influence fear responses, particularly in women. Additionally, the expectations of society, and gender roles, significantly impact how individuals report and react to fear. Men are less likely to report their fears due to stigmas around expressing vulnerability.
When we explore the topic of phobias in men and how they differ from those experienced by women, despite changes in the perception of traditional male roles over the years, some stereotypes persist.
The manner in which phobias manifest can differ. Typically, when faced with fear, individuals might react with fight, flight, or freeze responses. In the case of a spider phobia, for example, the reactions could range from running away (flight), being paralysed by fear (freeze), to killing the spider (fight). Generally, men are more likely to exhibit a fight response when under stress, possibly due to cultural expectations to confront challenges, or biological tendencies linked to higher testosterone levels.
Despite these differences in fear responses and reporting rates, some phobias are definitely more prevalent among men than women:
Iatrophobia (fear of doctors and medical procedures) Men’s anxiety about visiting doctors could be heightened by cultural notions that equate masculinity with a lack of vulnerability. This fear often leads to delayed medical consultations and can be exacerbated by concerns over serious diagnoses. Avoiding medical settings might be an attempt to maintain control over one’s health and physical autonomy.
Gamophobia(fear of commitment) In men, this fear may stem from societal expectations to maintain independence and freedom. The ‘lone wolf’ stereotype contributes to some men’s reluctance to engage in or sustain long-term relationships, creating a tension between personal desires for intimacy and societal expectations of autonomy.
Acrophobia (fear of heights) Although a common phobia for many people, the social imperative for men to demonstrate bravery might lead them to underreport or minimise their fear of heights. Ironically, minimising a fear can intensify it, creating a kind of pressure cooker effect. As the saying goes, ‘what you resist persists’, and the more a person worries about worrying, the more they find themselves ensnared by that exact worry.
Thanatophobia(fear of death) Many men mix the fear of death with the pressure to uphold a legacy or fulfil lifelong responsibilities. Concerns about the implications of their death for dependents can magnify this fear, making it about more than just the end of existence. Such fears may also drive men to achieve in various areas of life, partly fuelled by an underlying dread of mortality.
Atychiphobia (fear of failure) The fear of failure is particularly pronounced in men due to societal roles that emphasise family provision. In male-dominated industries, like technology or finance, the competitive environment can amplify this fear, impacting personal self-esteem and professional standing.
TACKLING THE FEAR
Most phobias can be addressed, and in the majority of cases, can be removed completely. There are seven stages to this process, which I call the Integrated Change System™. The steps are known as the Seven Rs. Let’s take a fear of the doctor as an example and work through the seven stages that can help a man overcome that fear.
Recognise what you’re really afraid of Understanding the roots of any phobia is crucial. Identifying not just the surface-level fear (doctors, in this case) but also the deeper fears it represents (eg, fear of diagnosis, loss of control, or a past traumatic event) is key. Instead of asking, “Why am I afraid of the doctor?” focus on questions that go deeper, like “What specifically about doctors scares me?” or “When did I first feel this fear?” and “What am I believing in order to be feeling this way?”
Relax the conscious mind Calmness is the key to accessing emotions and letting them go. Achieving a state of relaxation allows us to work with these fears more effectively.
The process is the ‘4-7-8 Breathing Technique’, which involves inhaling quietly through the nose for four seconds, holding the breath for seven seconds, and exhaling forcefully through the mouth, pursed around the tongue, for eight seconds. This breathing pattern, repeated three to four times, acts as a natural tranquilliser for the nervous system. It’s particularly effective in reducing anxiety because it increases the amount of oxygen in the bloodstream, slows the heart rate, and stabilises blood pressure – counteracting the physical symptoms of anxiety.
Reward for your fear (secondary gain) Phobias can serve a hidden purpose, even if it doesn’t seem logical. Emotions aren’t logical. Things like avoiding situations we find uncomfortable, receiving attention and care from others, or feeling that fear protects us or keeps us safe, are all hidden gains. Identifying the secondary gains can help us change any blocks that stop us from letting go of our fear.
One way to find the secondary gain is to ask, “Does this fear keep me safe from situations I perceive as dangerous?” or “Do I receive comfort or attention because of this fear?” or “What might I lose if this fear were to disappear now?” Trust the first answer that comes; you might find some things you had never thought about before.
Recipe (deconstructing your strategy) Everything we do, including phobias, operates according to a subconscious ‘recipe’ – a sequence of thoughts, behaviours, and feelings that reinforce, in this case, the fear. By getting clear on our recipe for fear, it becomes easier to change it. A highly effective technique involves changing the internal representation of the fear.
Visual changes: Imagine the doctor that triggers your phobia. Now, in your mind’s eye, start to shrink that image, make it lose its colour until it’s black and white, and then let it play backward like a film reel running in reverse. This process helps to diminish the emotional impact the image has on you.
Auditory changes: Pair this altered visual with a change in any sounds associated with your fear. If the doctor’s voice is a trigger, imagine it becoming high-pitched, like a cartoon character, or even overlay it with a ridiculous sound effect. Incorporating humorous or nonsensical auditory elements further breaks down the fear’s intensity. This is similar to the ‘Riddikulus’ spell used against Boggarts in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Release the past This step addresses the root of the fear, often buried in past experiences, by finding the first event and changing the mind’s link to fear. This can then have an effect on how somebody will feel about that fear in the future.One way to release the past is through tapping. Begin by clearly identifying the fear or specific event related to your phobia. This might be a past incident where you felt scared or made uncomfortable by a doctor. Hold this memory in your mind.
Start by tapping on the karate chop point (the outer edge of your hand) with the fingertips of the other hand. As you tap, verbalise your fear and your acceptance of yourself despite this fear. For example, “Even though I have this fear of doctors, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
Proceed to tap lightly but firmly on the sequence of points: the eyebrow, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, the chin, the collarbone, under the arm, and top of the head. While tapping each point about seven times, briefly state your fear to maintain focus on the issue.
After a few rounds of tapping, begin to introduce a positive reframing of your fear. For instance, “I choose to release this fear” or “I am open to feeling safe around doctors.”
Recondition your emotions The essence of emotional reconditioning lies in recognising that our responses to any fear-inducing stimuli are learned behaviours. The good news? Just as a response can be learned, it can also be unlearned or modified.
One way to do this is an exercise known as ‘emotional anchoring’. This technique is all about replacing the fear response with something more positive, switching our automatic fear of doctors to a calmer or even positive reaction. Here’s how:
Choose a positive emotion: First, decide on the positive feeling you’d want instead of fear. This could be calm, happiness, or courage. Think of this emotion as your new reaction when you think about or see doctors.
Find a memory: Select a memory where you felt this positive emotion strongly. It could be any happy or calm moment from your life. The key here is that the feeling should be powerful and clear.
Create your anchor: While immersed in this memory, do a simple physical gesture, like pressing your thumb and forefinger together. This gesture is your anchor. It’s a physical action tied to your positive emotion. Now find a new memory and do the same again keep doing this till the act of squeezing your fingers takes you straight to a positive feeling.
Now start thinking about doctors and using your anchor. Notice how you feel. What we’re doing here is creating a new pathway in the brain. Every time you use your anchor and feel that positive emotion, you weaken the old fear response and strengthen the new, positive one.
Realise a powerful future: This is about crafting a future where fear doesn’t dictate our choices, transforming ‘what-ifs’ and ‘yes, buts’ into new positive possibilities.
Start by jotting down the most frequent ‘yes but’ and ‘what if’ thoughts that bubble up when you think about the doctor. These might be thoughts like, “Yes, but last time didn’t go well” or “What if I get bad news?”
Now challenge them: For each ‘yes but’ and ‘what if’, ask yourself, “Is this thought helping me or hindering me?” Challenge the validity of these thoughts. How many of these imagined scenarios have actually happened?
Now for the fun part – flipping the script. Rewrite each ‘yes but’ and ‘what if’ into a positive statement or question. For example, “Yes, but last time didn’t go well” becomes “What if this time, I feel more prepared and confident?” Transform “What if I get bad news?” into “What if I can be reassured by a simple diagnosis?”
After following these steps and repeating them as needed, you may find your fear of doctors becomes reduced.
Christopher Paul Jones is the author of Face Your Fears, available now on Amazon. christopherpauljones.com
We set off to find a remote cricket club nestled in the wilds of Lancashire to hear Kevin Cockburn share his faith story. Around 60 people had gathered for the evening event. Kevin filled a table with his own supporters, his wife, family and friends. I’d never heard of Kevin before, so I had no idea who he was or what to expect.
Kevin is a high energy detail person. He spoke for an hour or so without any notes, relaying the story of his life in chronological order, I’m sure he could have talked for longer. He spoke with considerable fervour and enthusiasm; unpacking the harrowing details of his young life growing up in a powerful, controlling and cruel religious cult. He shared some of their shocking practices, such as banishing and essentially kidnapping members. The cult wrought years of emotional trauma and damage throughout his childhood leaving his head “messed up”.
During his teenage years, desperate for connections and love, Kevin fell into a tailspin of taking and supplying drugs which pulled him deeper and deeper into a life of drug dealing and serious crime. Many years later, Kevin still looks the part. Though he presents with that familiar stereotypical “hard man” image it was interesting to note just how many times throughout the evening he firmly declared: “I’m not a fighter.” At heart Kevin was, and is, a man of peace. As a young man, trapped in a world of criminals, he never wanted to hurt anyone, and feared being hurt himself.
During his talk he referenced his love for his parents, his nan, his (now) wife and family. He openly admitted to feeling intense fear and loneliness during his years of crime, conviction and subsequent imprisonment. There seemed no ounce of malice in him. He wasn’t an angry young man, hateful of everything, but actually very caring, simply craving normal levels of love and belonging, and all of the things which growing up in a cult had taken from him.
He shared his story, right up to the present day. Though Kevin is not a polished speaker, the remarkable story comes bursting out of him with such force, it almost seems to have a life of its own. His story carries its own dynamic energy, he shared it authentically and it is indeed gripping real life stuff. I think it’s one of the most dramatic and scary stories I’ve ever heard. I was on the edge of my seat more than once.
He “plugged” his ten pound autobiography The Tattooed Saint, then quickly back tracked and offered it for free. Following his talk Kevin prayed for people, first as a group, then individually. When the room began to empty and I thought his work was done, I approached him and introduced myself as a journalist with Sorted Magazine. We chatted about exchanging details and while I was fumbling about for a pen in my bag he said: “Can you just hang on a minute?” and shot off to pray with a group of men across the very far side of the room. I rested against a warm radiator and observed him, from a distance, for about twenty minutes. This is possibly the first time I’ve encountered an author who prioritised praying for people over publicity. He was unaware that I was watching, so this wasn’t a performance. I’m convinced that Kevin Cockburn is absolutely the real deal; humble, genuine, authentic; a man whose life has been completely transformed by the hand of God. In Kevin’s own words: “I am a sheep in wolves clothing.”
I’m never more conflicted than when I’m at the coast. Sitting in a remote pebbled gully, I watched the swell of turquoise water rise and fall, was lulled by the gentle rhythmic sound of the waves, ate my picnic lunch with good company and felt so safe and relaxed. Until an orange jelly fish the size of dustbin lid floated towards me like an alien creature and totally freaked me out! A sense of evil forboding washed over me, there were hidden dangers here.
The beauty of the British Coast often belies its treachery. A week of walking coastal paths encompassed extreme beauty and extreme treachery. The scenery was so dramatic yet potential danger lurked at every turn. We encountered other, mostly sensible, walkers. But we also witnessed, what I will call “lads”, veering away from the marked path towards the steep cliff edge.
Because of these recent first hand encounters I welcome HM Coastguard’s latest Coast Clever summer safety campaign to remind people how to stay safe and avoid the dangers and hazards at the coast. It includes a new film with singer and comedian Arthur Hill who finds out that it’s not funny to get cut off by the tide or caught out on cliffs.
The campaign addresses four common risks at the coast:
Tidal cut off; being surrounded by the sea when the tide comes in
Offshore winds; winds that blow you from the land out to sea
Stuck in mud; being trapped in mud or soft sand
Cliff slips and falls
The short Coast Clever film follows comedian Arthur as he takes up an invitation from HM Coastguard to discover for himself how to stay safe on the coast. He meets a coastguard rescue officer on a small pebbly beach at the base of a cliff. The scenario was that the tide was coming in and if he were cut off, he would need to be rescued. He bravely accepted the challenge to take part in his simulated rescue and scaled nearly 100 metres (over 300ft) of cliff in the capable hands of one of HM Coastguard’s highly trained specialist rope rescue teams.
HM Coastguard responded to over 2,000 call outs to incidents of people getting cut off by the tide in the last three years†. New data from the annual UK-wide research commissioned by the Maritime and Coastguard Agency, conducted by Assenti Research has shown:
Only 36% of people perceive getting cut off by tide coming in as one of the biggest risks at the coast.
74% of people admit they think they should check tide times when visiting the coast, but only 35% claimed they actually did on their last visit.
Across the UK in 2023, males accounted for 83% of all drownings*. Due to this alarming fatality rate in men, this year’s Coast Clever campaign is designed to appeal to ‘lads and dads’ who may be more at risk. Survey data** also reveals younger men are less likely to call 999 for help in an emergency. 32% of males aged 16-35 would call 999 if they saw someone struggling in the water compared to 45% of males aged 36-plus.
HM Coastguard’s top tips to stay safe and have an enjoyable day at the coast
Check the weather forecast and tide times before you set off
Cliffs can be unstable, so stay clear of cliff edges and bases
Watch out for mud and if you do get stuck, lean back to spread your weight
Avoid water sports in an offshore wind, when the wind blows from the land out to sea
Tell someone where you are going and when you’ll be back
Take a fully charged mobile phone and consider taking a PLB (personal locator beacon) which alerts the emergency services from the remotest of locations
In a coastal emergency, call 999 and ask for the Coastguard
Commenting on the Coast Clever campaign Claire Hughes, Director of His Majesty’s Coastguard said: “We want everyone to enjoy our fantastic coastline and beaches this summer. The happiest of memories are always made when you and your loved ones stay safe. Every summer, sadly some people don’t take home happy memories. Our latest Coast Clever safety campaign is a timely reminder to encourage people to take some simple safety precautions and of course if anyone is in difficulty to call 999 and ask for the Coastguard.”
A Statistician who spends her days crunching numbers at a desk is set to crunch a different sort of number. Statistician, Fiona Tweedie, has set herself the challenge of running 500km in a bid to raise funds for Compassion UK. Fiona said:“I was always the person picked last for school teams at gym, and started running just a few years ago. I’m not at all fast, but I like running in the hills, slowly, a long way. It’s some time to be with God, and away from other distractions. I get to see beautiful views in the Pentland Hills near my home and listen to the birds and marvel at God’s creation.”
Fiona has already covered over 327km since the start of May and is helping to raise money for a project building a youth resource centre in Togo’s capital, Lomé. Togo is 500km long from north to south, inspiring Fiona’s chosen distance. She hopes to raise £1000.
Photo Credit: Fiona Tweedie (pictured above)
Since the early 2000’s Fiona and her family have sponsored around 30 children through Compassion UK, in countries all across Asia, South America and Africa. She said: “We’ve sponsored over 30 children now (I think!) and there’s been a wonderful variety. I used to be a university lecturer, and I know the importance of education in young people’s lives. But so many are unable to continue due to a lack of resources or access to the resources they need. I know that young women and girls are particularly disadvantaged and I wanted to do something to help them.”
On the 21st July, Fiona will embark on her longest distance in one go yet – St Cuthbert’s Way Ultra, around 66 miles/100km.
Follow Fiona’s progress and donate to her cause here.
Digital Editor’s Note: I’m delighted to welcome Matt Summerfield as our Guest Writer. Matt is the Senior Leader of Zeo Church which he leads alongside a wider love for cheering on leaders through training, coaching, and running retreats. Recently he was in a field near Swindon for an annual men’s festival called The Gathering run by Christian Vision for Men (CVM) where he was reminded afresh of his struggle to ask for help.
Photo courtesy of Matt Summerfield.
Matt (pictured above) writes: Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? Or is it just me? Do you find it easy to reach out and admit you can’t do something without the assistance of another?
Recently I was in a field near Swindon for a men’s festival called The Gathering with Christian Vision for Men (CVM) where I was reminded afresh of my struggle to ask for help. I arrived on-site on a warm, but windy, Friday afternoon and my first task was to put up the tent I’d borrowed. Surely I could do this by myself!
My first challenge was making sure I’d got the right poles in the right places and, frustratingly, my natural aptitude for starting wrong didn’t disappoint. I wondered what people were thinking as they walked past watching me contend with a tent that was fast becoming a kite as the wind blew strong. And still, I didn’t ask for help!
Then up walked James who asked: “Can I give you a hand Matt?” I can’t tell you how much I wanted to reply “No, I’m fine”. But my limited inner wisdom whispered I was far from fine, as the tent was starting to wrap around me like an Anaconda (curse that wind!). Instead, I responded, “If you’ve got time that would b great”. (note: there’s a clue here about my reluctance to ask for help. I’ll come back to that in a moment)
Photo courtesy of Matt Summerfield.
And before you knew it, James and I had the tent structurally robust and I was feeling very grateful. You’d think I’d learnt my lesson. But clearly not!
My next task was to blow up the large inflatable mattress I’d borrowed from my son and daughter-in-law. There was no power near the tent so I headed over to the team area, plugged it in, and within moments it was inflated and ready to go. But now it was large and difficult to hold. How was I going to navigate it back to the tent, without both mattress and myself being blown over by the wind?
There were people in the team area. People who would’ve helped me if I’d asked them. But no. They looked busy. So I started to pull the mattress across the floor. “Can I give you a hand Matt?” came an offer. “No, it’s fine I should be OK.” I replied this time, desperately trying to manoeuvre the large inflated bed around an obstacle-course of chairs. “It’s OK, I’ll help you, it will be easier with two people.” came the response. Sometimes I need people who won’t take my “no” for an answer. Within moments, the bed was in, and all was right with the world!
Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? I do know the answer – to a degree. It isn’t really pride, although I’m sure there’s a spoonful of that somewhere. No, my real problem is that I don’t want to inconvenience people. I don’t want to be “any trouble”. I love to give and serve, but I’m just not very good at receiving.
I am getting better at it, mind you. But yesterday’s story reminds me that I still have a way to go. I wish I could pinpoint a moment in my past that has shaped this reluctance to ask for help. But I can’t. Perhaps there’s an underlying fear that asking for help and being refused would be even worse.
Then I’d feel rejected (which has often been my secret nemesis). Whatever is going on in the complexity of my heart and mind, I know – because I teach and preach it – that we do need each other. We need God and we need each other. The following words from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 are often applied to marriages at weddings BUT they’re truths for all of our relationships.
Two are better than one, becase they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no-one to help him up! Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
So what is it for you? What keeps you from asking for help? Perhaps we can all decide to be a little bit more brave, or humble, or vulnerable, and enjoy the blessing of receiving. Cheering and praying for you!
Main Photo Credit: Courtesy of Bob Fraser at The Gathering 2024.
The Ruby Project is an initiative from Church Army with the aim of showing God’s relentless love to those affected by the sex industry. The Ruby Project offers practical and spiritual support to women affected by the sex industry through street outreach, a drop-in centre, food, clothing, and washing facilities, and assistance in helping women access healthcare and other professional services. It is estimated that 105,000 people are involved in sex work in the UK. Many of these are women facing financial struggles, insecure housing, domestic violence, and sexual abuse.
Why and how do women get drawn into the sex industry? The sex industry can often be sold as ‘quick money’ and in times of financial crisis, when people are desperate, it can look like a way out. Many women have varying reasons for what led them into the industry but mostly, the women the Ruby Project supports say they didn’t feel they ever had a choice.
A participant shared her story: “I was sexually abused from a very young age, and at 15 this led me into the sex industry. I grew up in care, I’ve got no family, it’s just me. Other girls told me about Church Army’s The Ruby Project. Coming to the drop in, being helped with clothes, having my birthday celebrated – it helped open my heart to getting clean and not working on the streets anymore.
People don’t understand, they think it’s easy for us to do, but it’s not. Most of the women that do this, have no-one. Please don’t assume the worst of us. We are alone, and we feel we have no other options.”
Harrowing experiences such as this one, are the reason why Church Army are calling on the next government to make a commitment to tackling poverty with the creation of a Minister for Social Justice. Church Army have submitted a petition to the main party leaders in preparation for the election.
